Gen.10 – Alma. Chapter Forty-One

After my trip to Champs Les Sims, it was time to get back in the swing of things. I felt more driven to focus on myself and the things that I needed to do to push myself forward. I wasn’t focusing on relationships outside of friends and family, so all my extra energy was put towards my business.

I loved my flower shop. Hope’s Blossom was doing well. It didn’t burn to the ground when I left, which meant that I could think about bigger things for my business. I wanted to show my products more. I wanted to bring my arrangements, my unique bouquets, and my love for my craft to more homes and businesses.

I used the wave of inspiration to hit the books and helpful forums to see where I could get my product shown. I started showing up more at farmer’s markets, conventions, and even local cafes that had “lifestyle” items to purchase. Everyone could use some flowers, right? I liked to believe so at least.

Of course, with my dedication to my business, my parents were showing up more. First, they came by one by one to buy some flowers. Then it progressed to them offering to help out–thinking I had no assistance when I spent half of my time in the back researching. It wasn’t until they saw that the front of my shop was very successfully managed by my staff that they started to back off a bit. When they realized that I was working towards bigger and better things with my business, they started showing up for me in different ways.

I started hosting open mic nights, which helped draw in younger crowds. Dad occasionally donated his time to play acoustic covers of his band’s songs. Having him there drew in more people who also felt encouraged to share their talents, which was nice. I hoped that people would find my shop as an outlet for their creativity. My space was not just for me and it wasn’t going to be just about selling flowers. I wanted to build more into it.

The flowers were working–I was ready for the next step.

Giving Hope’s Blossom all this attention felt like I was raising a child. I nurtured it with love, attention, and opportunity. I poured my heart into it and over time I hoped it would start taking off more.

---

“See you tomorrow, Alma.” Kayla, my newest hire, smiled as she hung up her apron.

“Have a great evening, doll. We’ll see ya in the morning.” I waved goodbye and turned my gaze back to my computer screen where I was looking up at plans for the future of the shop. It was still a ways away, but I had to keep my eyes on the prize: bringing Hope’s Blossom to more cities.

I wanted to open a new location of Hope’s Blossom in Sunset Valley, and Bridgeport, and eventually, I wanted to move outside the country. If I was going to dream big, then this was it. I would open up one of my flower shops in France as my first international location.

Ha…well, a girl could dream, right?

I rubbed my eyes lightly as the blue light from my screen was alerting me me take a break. I dragged my phone across my desk and sighed. I had a few messages from Dani, Gia, my parents, Kaden, even Oren and Jax and…Lucien?

I cocked my head to the side and opened up the message from the French barista/coffee fanatic.

Bonjour Alma. I hope you still remember giving me your number. If not, it is Lucian, I wanted to share with you that I have started a small shop for my coffee. Very low-key right now. Wanted to thank you for your help and encouragement. Perhaps I can send you a few bags.

I leaned back and tapped my phone against the wood of the desk. At this point, my mind was racing at a hundred miles per hour. The evening hours were upon me and I was getting that crazy rush of “Let’s do this! Nothing can stop me!” Well, a budget could…that could very well stop me, but I stopped and got up from my chair.

I pulled up Lucien’s number in my chat app so I wouldn’t rack up an international calling bill. See, I was being smart.

One ring. Two rings.

“Allo, C’est Lucien.”

“Lucien–it’s Alma. I got your message. I hope I’m not calling you at a weird time. I think it’s hella early over there?”

“Oui, un peu, but what’s going on? I’m just getting ready for work.”

“I have a proposition for you.”

“Oh?”

“Your coffee. Why don’t you send me a few bags? If it’s a match, what do you think about me selling it in my flower shop? I mean, we’d definitely work something out money-wise, but I’m looking to boost my store and you’re looking to get your name out there. What do you say?”

I knew I was throwing out a lot at him and it was the ass-crack of the day over there. So I pulled back a bit and exhaled.

“Look, I just thought of this because I’ve been working on my plans for the next few years and then I saw your message and it clicked. Think about it, though, and if this is something that you’d be interested in, let me know. Maybe we could do a trial or something. Sorry for talking your ear off!”

I heard laughter from the other end of the line. “I must have caught you in the middle of something. Good energy and I like the idea. Let me send you those samples and maybe we can talk about working something out. Send me your address and let’s see if maybe this relationship will blossom.”

I smiled to myself and agreed.

After coming back from from France, Lucien and I chatted every now and then, but what we had back in France was never anything that was meant to “blossom” as he called it. I admired his drive and hoped that I could keep the same momentum going.

Okay…well that was a start. If I was going to get anything off the ground here, then I had to take chances.

---

A few months later, Lucien kept his word and I received a package of whole beans in a few different roasts. The packaging looked nice, and everything was in one piece–I just had to sample it myself and then perhaps with some willing participants before getting to work on putting together something like a vendor contract. Talk about learning on the go! When I first started Hope’s Blossom I was thinking small…but it was time to think bigger.

“So, what do you think? Nice fruity tones to it, right?” I asked, pouring my mother another small cup for a sample.

“You understand if I drink more, my heart may give out, right?” Mom laughed. “It’s delicious, Alma. It’s definitely a unique blend. This one is almost more floral than the other one you had me try. That’s actually very fitting, right?”

I nodded. “Exactly. Floral blend, floral shop? Fucking brilliant,” I exclaimed. “Maybe I could send some beans back with you? Maybe Oren and Jax would want it? They’re basically made up of coffee right now, right? All the studying?”

Mom rolled her eyes, “I swear those boys took after me in college…eating junk and basically mainlining Red Bull. Your father would definitely like to try some. He’s out for a week or so with Reno, so he can definitely try once he’s back.”

“Sure, sure,” I nodded, taking out more bags of the coffee Lucien sent.

“So this is from that man you met while on holiday?” Mom inquired. “Anything happening there?”

“What? No, Mom. We just met, hung out, and just want to help each other out with our businesses…”

“Mhm, alright. If you say so. Look, Alma,” Mom started, placing her cup down on the table. “It’s awesome to see you so ready to go, go, go, but I hope you’re resting up too.”

“I know, Mom. It’s just…I’m so excited that I have this drive to actually focus on my work and build my own legacy, you know? You got to do it with your sculpting, Grandma had her writing, and her mom had her art. This is my passion.”

Mom smiled and bowed her head. “Sometimes I forget how much of myself I can see in you. All you kids–you’re our blood and yet I can see whispers, hints of so many wonderful people who came before. You do what you need to do, but just make sure you’re eating. Or better yet, come have dinner with us whenever you want.”

“Of course, Mom. I’d really like that.”

“Good,” she smirked before getting up from her seat. “Please don’t be a stranger.” She kissed my cheek and saw herself out of my store.

Despite wanting to keep sampling more coffee, Mom was right, even I was going to hit my limit soon. While I looked over the neatly packed coffee bags, I couldn’t help feeling excited. This had be to a sign that this was the right move. I met Lucien, we shared our stories, and now that could very well lead to my first official vendor relationship that didn’t involve flowers!

Before I finished my work, I contacted all the legal and accounting folks I needed to, so we could draft up some sort of vendor contract. I was clueless when it came to this stuff, so I reached out to the people who helped me from the start.

Whether this would actually work out, I had no idea, but just trying gave me so much satisfaction. I believed in my business and frankly, having this to focus on was just the right kind of distraction. When sadness came in waves, I focused on Hope’s.

---

My business took up most of my time, there was no fibbing there, but I did my best to spend time with my friends and family. I used to limit myself to outings in fear of bumping into people who would send me spiraling into a sea of doubt. So when I was at Dani’s for her kid’s birthday party, I couldn’t help but look into the crowd of people for familiar figures.

“He’s not here, Alma,” Dani confirmed. “He hasn’t been showing up much.”

“Oh..?”

“Otto says he’s fine–they still talk, but he moved a few months ago. Out of St. Claire.”

I looked into my glass and nodded. “I suppose that was going to happen eventually, right?”

She agreed. “I didn’t want to bring it up with all the shop stuff you’ve had going on. I figured you were on some super productive streak. How about that though–won’t be long before you’ll be popping up all over the place!”

“That’s the goal, at least.” I took another look into the crowd and offered my friend a small smile. All these years, I shared my successes with my family and friends and…Sabin. I suppose I didn’t have that privilege anymore, but at least when I did see him every now and then, I did get to see how he was doing.

I always worried, but if he at least kept in touch with Otto and said he was okay, then I felt better.

“Gia’s been telling me about your hot French guy you’re ‘totally not fucking’?” Dani grinned wildly, “Are you back on the market, lady?”

“See–I don’t know where the hell you get this shit,” I nudged her playfully. “I literally talk to another man and you salivate at the thought of me getting it on. Y’all good?”

Dani rolled her eyes and walked over to the counter to refill my drink. “Listen, you’re still a very desirable woman. Don’t tell me you’re still going through a dry spell.”

“I am–what?”

“Ya know, the coochie meow-meow–ain’t it getting lonely for some real company?”

Before I could answer, she pointed her finger, “And I don’t mean your plastic friends, okay?”

“Isn’t this your kid’s birthday party?” I snorted.

“Listen,” Dani started, “I have two kids, you think I have time to mount my husband in between diaper changes, naps, and spit up?”

I shrugged.

“Yes–yes, I do. Ain’t always classy, but we get it done, so you should be living it up, lady.” She smirked, tapping her glass against mine. “Love you lots, Alma. Glad you could make it out today. Almost feels like old times.”

“Happy to be here…”

And it really was the truth. My attendance got better once I had a solid plan for my business. I felt that once I had a goal, I could finally move forward. While Dani and Gia had my best interests in mind, I wasn’t rushing into another relationship. And whatever dry spell they thought I was going through–was perfectly fine. If I was going to date anyone else, then I would get to it when the time allowed. I wasn’t in any rush.

When the time was truly right, I was sure that things would just fall into place, right?

Gen.10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty-Nine

“Mon petite,” Grandpa Crescendo called from down the hall. “Would you like tea or coffee with breakfast?” Before I had even a second to think, he called out again. “Nevermind! We’ll just have both!”

It was finally morning and the sun was shining brightly into the bedroom I was staying in. My goal was to power through the jetlag and I was feeling hopeful that I could do it. And with both tea and coffee on the table for breakfast? I was going to be just fine.

After I changed into some fresh clothes, I made my way out of the room and down the hall into the kitchen. I watched my grandparents gliding around the kitchen preparing what honestly looked like a feast for a family of ten. Oh my god…grandparents always did this, didn’t they? The moment they have grandkids they act like we’ve never eaten. Kinda cute, honestly.

“Mon amour, as pris tes pilules?” Grandpa Scend asked once he wiped his hands on the kitchen cloth.

“Oui, je les pris.” Grandma responded. “Worry not, I didn’t forget.”

When I finally walked into the room to take in the full scene, I spotted my grandparents embraced. Even after all these years, the love they shared filled the room. It was sweet to see, really.

“All settled in, Alma?” Grandma asked. “I figured you’d want to stay up a bit, so full breakfast, drinks, please help yourself!”

We all sat at the table and I honestly had no idea where to even start. They had a plate of eggs, pastries, sausages, fruit. Honestly…where did they find the time to do all this?! We’ve only been at home for like two hours!

“I feel like royalty,” I joked, “Are you sure there’s no one else coming who would love a plate?”

Grandpa shrugged and glanced over to his wife. Something about that gaze was shady. Something was off.

“Um…am I intruding? I’m so sorry!” I squeaked and placed a single pastry on my plate.

“Well, you never know if someone may want to stop by…back in my day we had people coming and going all the time, ya know, you always had to be prepared because…” she kept going on and on and on to the point it felt like she was just stitching words together to keep herself talking.

Then I heard the door close from down the hall. “Grandma, we practiced…but I admit you didn’t crack.”

If it wasn’t for his voice, I could have immediately guessed who it was just by his heavy footsteps. “Kaden? What are you doing here?”

“Spending time with the grandparents. What does it look like?” He smirked before walking over to me to wrap his arm around my shoulder in a half-hug. “Still doing the nomad thing, really. Going where the wind blows and working remotely. Gram and Gramps have been awesome for letting me stay here with them for a bit. I’ll be heading to Amsterdam in a few days, but yeah..that’s what I’m doing here.”

Grandma clasped her hands together and grinned widely. “It’s not every day I see you both under one roof for days at a time!”

“Mom can say the same,” Kaden smirked. “You see her recently?” He nudged me.

“Kinda had to…” I brushed my hair to the side and shrugged. “Sabin’s officially moved out, so I was at Mom and Dad’s while he was getting his stuff out of the house.”

Kaden’s cheeky expression softened. “So that was a sure thing…sorry to hear.”

“Yeah, figured I’d come here to hang out with the grandparents, too. Take a much-needed break from the house and all that…”

I glanced at my grandparents. They sat quietly, offering compassionate looks. Grandma Attie was always more caring and willing to jump in and get in a fistfight if it ever called for it. I mean, if you were her ride-of-die, she’d set the world on fire for you. She was that way for her friends and children. Meanwhile, Grandpa Scend was quieter, but his care for others was…well, again, you’d be lucky if you had it.

Grandma’s mother passed away at an early age. That event devastated the entire family so much that Grandma Crescendo used his studies, knowledge, and creativity to help invent a medication that would help slow the effects of Alzheimer’s, and hopefully one day…help prevent it in high-risk patients. That level of devotion and love was unlike anything I had ever seen. Mom and Dad loved each other very much, it was evident, but this was…freaking storybook level.

Honestly, hearing stories like that, and seeing them in person helped settle things in my heart. Any time I thought about marrying Sabin in the last few years, I tried to imagine our wedding day. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t imagine myself beaming with love and joy for him around friends and family because we were just…standing on opposite ends that kept pulling us further apart.

Perhaps it just wasn’t good timing, but that’s why I was in France, to enjoy a distraction to focus on my well-being.

Breastfast was enjoyed together with conversations straying from me and over to my brother, who let us know how things were going on his end. He wasn’t married either and frankly, didn’t seem like he was in any hurry to settle down. I couldn’t blame him. He knew what he wanted. I really admired that about him.

I suppose he didn’t have this whole legacy thing on his shoulders to think about. I was off the hook. Mom gave me the okay, frankly, she encouraged me to be the one to put the period at the end of the sentence and let our family continue on its own path without anyone feeling like they had to live up to someone. It was a nice thought. One I was really beginning to look forward to.

“So kiddos, what do you have planned for today?” Grandpa asked.

“I’m headed out to photograph some event happening downtown, so I’ll be taking a train and likely staying out there overnight,” Kaden said in between bites of his croissant.

Grandma Attie looked at me and motioned for me to speak. “Any particular things you want to see today?”

“Honestly,” I started,” I think I’m going to wander. No real plan, just trying to soak up the moment.”

“That sounds splendid,” she giggled. “If you can make it back here around 8, your grandfather and I will be attending a small performance in the town square. You are more than welcome to join us. The energy is just beautiful at this little cafe.”

“It’s where I proposed to your grandmother,” Grandpa added with a wide grin. “Been a special spot for us all these years.”

How could I not agree?

“Sure! If you could text me the address, I’ll be happy to join you. But for now,” I said, clearing my plate, “Thank you so much for breakfast. I better get out there for now before I decide that a nap sounds better. So, please let me know about the cafe and I’ll be in touch with you.”

---

France was beautiful. The architecture, the food, and the overall vibe. We were in a smaller part of the country and not in the middle of Paris. Now that…was a different vibe, and not one I was really looking for. Perhaps another time, right?

This trip called for peace.

I took my time walking down the streets of the small town of Champs Les Sims. I thought about the stories that my grandparents used to tell us when we were little. Since I took on opening up my own business, travel wasn’t exactly my number one expense. Kaden was more the free-spirited kid who moved when he wanted. I knew he had a few relationships turn sour because his partners wanted to settle down and he wasn’t ready to ground himself. Who knew if he would ever be.

I still admired the fact that he just knew what he wanted and he allowed himself to pursue it…even if it meant visiting home just a few times a year. Drove Mom crazy sometimes, but she never made us feel bad about our decisions, as long as we checked in every now and then.

My walk led me to a small market that had stall after stalls of art, wine, food, and handmade crafts. For it being the middle of the week, it was awesome to see the square abuzz with chatter and excitement from all the vendors. Maybe it would have been a fun idea to take Hope’s Blossom to more farmer’s markets back home. It was more exposure and honestly something different for me to try. That’s what I wanted to do. Try new things and maybe it would work for me, or maybe it wouldn’t.

All that mattered was that I was trying.

As I brainstormed marketing ideas in my head, I stopped by a stall that had painted canvases, varying in size. My eyes darted to one in particular of a young woman with white locks.

“T’aimes, madame?” A young woman asked. “C’est une pinture original a Amalia Wells.”

I didn’t understand her at first until I studied the painting closely. I spotted the unmissable autograph of Amalia. Wow, I saw many paintings that my great-grandmother worked on, but seeing these pieces up close and just…in freaking France…I was startled.

“Oui, very pretty…bonne,” I smiled politely. I couldn’t look away, but eventually moved past the stall once more people approached the woman. They were more eager to open their wallets. I did recall that Amalia’s art was pretty well-known in France, I just didn’t expect it to be that well-known after all these years. I honestly expected our name to be forgotten. Maybe that’s why they pushed so hard to succeed, so we wouldn’t be.

When the other patrons made their selection, I couldn’t leave that painting behind. Seeing as I was traveling, I made arrangements to have the painting ready for pickup from the gallery the vendor was at outside of the market.

Once I had enough of the market’s excitement, I stopped by for coffee and a quick snack. My people-watching was going to continue until the performance. I just wanted to drink it all in. Felt good not to have a magnifying glass over me and everything I was doing. With therapy and making tough decisions, I knew that commentary from those around me was inevitable. I loved my friends and family, but I just needed a step back from everyone.

Grandma and Grandpa didn’t try to squeeze details out of me. They simply let me know that if I needed anything, I could let them know. The rest was all about enjoying this trip without any worry.

That’s all I really needed.

I let time pass me by. I had no agenda until the evening hours approached. I checked my phone for directions from Grandma Attie and moved along to the square where the performance was set to be. It was wild to see so much of life still taking place in the later hours. Plus, it was cool to see the life that my grandparents had.

They did their job. They worked, raised their kids, and were now enjoying their retirement in the country that first brought them together. I secretly thought they moved because Grandma wanted an excuse to hear Grandpa talk in French all the time. What? It’s a beautiful language!

“Oh! We’re over here, Alma!” Grandma waved from across the square and beamed as she watched me walk towards them. The musician was setting up their stage and people were slowly gathering around, either standing by the neighboring buildings or taking their seats in the few fold-out seats that were available.

“Hey guys…this is really nice,” I commented, allowing my eyes to wander. “Stuff like this happens often?”

Grandma turned to her husband and shrugged. “I’d say pretty regularly during the warmer months. It’s a nice way to finish the day, wouldn’t you agree?”

I nodded.

We stayed and listened to the musicians croon in beautiful, velvety French until their performance was finished. I closed my eyes for the majority of it. Yes, I was tired, but I also wanted to absorb the music. At this point, I wanted so much to absorb experience into my skin and let it sink deep into me. Just one day here and I felt myself overwhelmed not with sadness, but…relief.

As everyone started making their way from the stage, I remained seated with my grandparents.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Grandma asked. “I always loved it here so much. Crescendo and I have so many special memories here. It was where our story truly started and where we found so much of our healing and happiness. We’ve had our fair share of loss, but who hasn’t?” She sighed, “We had to keep holding on to the things that…made us happy. Perhaps spending some time here, you too can find that bit of healing.”

I turned to look at her. She always looked so happy whenever I was around her. She looked so in love and content with her life, but at that moment, I could still see that she had pain behind her eyes.

“Today has been so nice. I feel like…maybe the air is fresher here,” I laughed.

“Could be,” she winked before being helped up from her chair by Grandpa. “Alrighty, let’s get back home and have some tea. Perhaps we could talk a bit more. You can tell me all about your Mama. Been missing my babies quite a bit…”

---

Back at their home, Grandpa politely excused himself to take a call from one of the clinics he was a consultant for, which finally left me alone with Grandma who wasted no time in putting the kettle on the stove for our evening tea.

I watched her set the table with pastries and sugar and milk for our tea. The more I looked at her, it finally clicked. It was her. Oh my god, how did it not click before?

“Grandma, I saw a painting of you at the market today.” I grinned and pulled out my phone to show the painting I had seen earlier in the day. “I was told this was a piece by Amalia Wells.”

“Oh my,” Grandma smiled and took her phone in her hands. She quickly pulled out her glasses and pressed the phone to her chest once she took one peek at the picture. “This is me–one hundred percent! This was a portrait she painted of me when I was a young girl. Wow…that’s so incredibly special.”

Perfect.

“Good, I’ll pick it up tomorrow. I bought it for you.”

“What?” she gasped.

“It belongs with you, Grandma. Maybe my seeing it was a sign that it was time to bring it back to you.”

After setting the phone down on the table, I was pulled into a tight embrace. Her joy, her kindness, and empathy–all that never came without her fair share of sadness, pain, and conflict. I supposed that’s why I was always so drawn to her.

“So,” Grandma sniffled, “On the topic of emotion…”

Oh…what?

“Isobel told me she talked to you about our family, our legacy.”

“Yes, actually. It was after I miscarried the first time. I was thinking that maybe I just wasn’t the right choice to carry this forward.”

Grandma sat down close enough to still hold my hand in hers. “You were always the right choice, Alma. Your Mama made no mistake in picking you and–” She exhaled softly before she could finish. “And she made no mistake in telling you that the time to put this to rest has come. Our family had and will continue to have a beautiful story. We just…don’t need to hold titles to make it official, you know?”

I looked down at our hands. I didn’t know what to say.

“I do not want to pry, Alma, but I’ve heard about some of what happened and my heart aches for you. You sweet girl, whatever journey you are on, may it lead you to the joy you have brought us all. You have our support.”

“Even if I don’t pass on the legacy to another person? Even if I basically just give up on what your entire family worked to celebrate all these years. I mean, Mom said she was fine with that and actually hoped I would, but this is you, Grandma…you’ve seen more of what this whole thing means…”

“I’ve seen enough to agree with my daughter. The original idea was to live life fully, love completely, and cherish family. I feel that is engrained so deep in our being, our bones, our blood, that no family stories or rituals could change that. It was a beautiful and meaningful tradition, but…it’s time.”

I nodded.

I admit I felt okay about hearing it from Mom, but she was always known to be the more rebellious woman in the family. But Grandma Attie? She knew more of the heiresses and heard all of this legacy stuff probably better than most. Hearing her tell me it was okay and that it really was time, it felt official.

Our evening tea sealed my first day in France as a wonderful start to a much-needed trip. For the last few years, I felt like such a shell of a person. My existence felt plagued by grief, stress, and heartache. The light I had–my joy and overall excitement to live life shined dimly. It felt like darkness I couldn’t crawl away from.

Completely isolated from all that held me back, I felt like I could see the person I was finally coming up for air. I couldn’t wait to embrace her and grow with her.

Gen. 10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty-Seven

The last time I acted on an impulse, I wound up staying on the West Coast for months longer than I should have. I couldn’t undo what happened, but I could do something to push us forward. That house wasn’t the refuge we needed, so I decided to act on impulse. This time I had a passenger.

We’ve been driving for two hours at this point with no destination in mind. I just wanted us to keep driving–windows down, music softly playing while Alma sang along. Unfortunately, I noticed the low gas icon light up on my dashboard.

“Want me to look out for a gas station?” Alma asked, leaning over to see the same icon. “Geez, how long have we been driving?”

“Just about two hours,” I responded.

“So, you never really shared where we’re going”

“Nope.”

I liked how curious she was. The way she threw out locations was in such a playful tone that it almost sounded foreign. I definitely missed this. It was the most we talked together without feeling that tension that plagued our home. Wherever we were going to end up on this drive, I hoped this feeling would continue.

Oh yeah–I had no clue where we were going. Impulse, ya know? People always talk about driving in any direction until the gas runs out. Figured we’d give it a try. We had the weekend, no work, no other responsibility other than to focus on each other in a different setting. Once I filled up the tank, we were back on the road. We were out of St. Claire and heading wherever the roads would lead us.

Although I wanted the drive to never end, we did have to stop to eat. As we were now driving through the night and into the early hours of the following day, the only places still open were some diners that helped accommodate those late-night travelers. Perfect place to pick up some food for the drive.

“How about there?” Alma asked, pointing at an oasis. “Would be nice to stretch my legs a bit.”

The rest stop was definitely a good call. We had food to munch on and a great view of the city. Once we were settled, I handed Alma her food and sat down beside her on the grass. A few bites in, I looked over at her. She looked quiet. Not because she was busy eating instead of speaking, but because she just looked more at peace than she did even just a few hours ago.

I hope I helped with that. Even a little.

“This is nice, isn’t it?” I asked.

She wiped away the crumbs from the corner of her mouth and turned her head to me. Not a word, but a small smile.

“You know,” I started, “I thought a lot about our first dates recently. God, it’s been so long now. I look at myself in the mirror and I can barely recognize myself, but…I can still remember us so vividly.”

“It’s like watching back a home video in your head, right?” Alma added.

“Yeah…”

“I remember those days too,” she admitted.

“I wish I…”

Alma crumpled the wrapper from her sandwich and exhaled. Before she could say anything, I shifted my weight to urge her to let me finish. I knew she was expecting me to say that I wished I could undo things, or do things differently. Believe me, that’s stuff I told myself daily, but even I was tired of hearing myself say it.

“I wish I knew the right things to say, so that moments like this could be more frequent,” I uttered.

The feeling between us felt different in the last few years. Despite us falling asleep on the couch together, we felt more like roommates than a couple. I often wondered if these little moments were like a phantom reflex of how we used to be. Our subconscious selves yearned to be pulled into the way we were, but who we were now just couldn’t fit the mold.

It was the strangest feeling. Fighting to hold onto what we had while both of us were moving forward individually, to grow, to heal. I didn’t want to admit it, but while my heart cried for her, I felt our paths moving further apart, splitting in two.

When I looked at her, she wasn’t looking at me, but up ahead at the sun that was threatening to pluck us out of our peaceful bubble back into reality.

---

While sitting on the grass, I listened to Sabin’s words–his tone and tried to think what else could have lingered in between. When he finished and I caught the first glance of the sun peeking, I looked over at him, but he was facing forward.

“Sabin, I think we have questions we want to ask but we’re both afraid to hear them. Thinking these questions is difficult enough, but hearing a voice speak those words…may hurt more.” I stated plainly.

Being away from home was a distraction, but the rising sun was an indicator that these fleeting moments would still be just that…moments. Could our life moving forward be sustained by moments? It hurt to think that after almost ten years together, we grew further apart. The closeness we craved…I didn’t know if we could get it back anymore.

“I–” I wanted to say more, to maybe finally say those words, ask those questions to stop guessing what he wanted to respond with. Instead, I allowed myself to cry.

When I couldn’t find it in me to finish my question, I felt Sabin’s hand on mine. I couldn’t read his mind or see his lips moving, but I felt it in the tenderness of his grip.

This grief felt shared.

---

Our impromptu road trip out of the city started in silence and ended that way too. The air felt heavy between us like words were threatening to burst from either one of us any minute. Heading home felt final. Like, whatever we felt was going to come up to the surface and whatever the result would be, we would just have to live with it.

I heard Sabin tapping his steering wheel impatiently. “I don’t want to go home yet,” he admitted. “I don’t want you to think I haven’t tried.”

“I never thought that,” I tried to assure him.

“Ten years, Alma. Ten years…why did we fight so hard to be together, if this was going to be the end result.” I could hear his voice starting to rattle and crack. “I know you feel it too,” he said, quickly glancing at me before looking back to the road. “You feel that the moment we step back home, we will need to make a decision. Not about therapy, the wedding, but about us. I’m not ready yet.”

Maybe therapy was working for us to feel the things we did on a level plane. We understood the questions that lingered without having to say them. Even if we both felt the end was in sight, I too didn’t want to step through those doors to accept it.

“Let’s stop somewhere,” I suggested. “Somewhere to rest.”

We found the nearest motel and checked in. Electricity buzzed between us. It felt like a desperate attempt to feel. Our bodies and our hearts were trying to fool our brains. It was an admirable effort, one we allowed ourselves to give into.

When the door was shut and locked, Sabin dropped his keys on the small desk in the corner of the room. He was quiet. Less shaken than he looked while driving, which was good, but there was still that…buzzing.

I felt it too.

I didn’t speak a word but breathed a soft exhale before Sabin shook his head and turned around to approach me. His eyes were pinned to mine as he reached to place his hand on my arm. His warm skin brushed against mine, pushing me against the door.

I wanted to sob, not out of discomfort, but I could feel the effort from both of us. If our minds couldn’t find a way to move forward, perhaps our bodies could. I removed the distance between us when I leaned in to capture his lips with mine.

Sabin wasted no time in pressing the weight of his body against mine as our mouths moved together, tongue slipping in and around. It was the closest we could get without stripping out of our clothes, which came next very quickly.

We gasped and groaned quietly, pawing at one another any moment our lips were apart. It was a panicked touch to stay close together. Sabin’s hands glided around my body softly at first until he reached my hips, which he gripped firmly. I could feel the bulge between his legs hard against my bare skin, but he didn’t move to tear away the final bits of fabric keeping our bodies from touching. I’m glad he didn’t.

We moved to the bed, Sabin turning me around only to be guided backward.

He pushed me onto my back before getting down on his knees. His wet lips snuck kisses in between licks moving up from my knees to my thighs, then moving inward where I was pulsing in anticipation of his hot breath against my skin. Instead, he continued kissing me. Up from my wet lips, to my stomach, my ribs, my breasts, then up my neck and back to my mouth. He kissed me with hunger like he was starved for my skin, my sweat.

Sabin was back hovering over me with my face in his hands. Planting kisses softly on my cheeks, my lips, and my neck. He inhaled deeply and moaned quietly when he felt my hand travel from his side and to the bulge that threatened to escape the hold of his briefs.

I wanted to touch him, taste him–I too felt hungry for something I’d missed for so long. I wanted to get out of my head, away from the thoughts of what this meant. Our touch was laced with the undertone of finality and neither of us could deny it.

“Hey,” Sabin panted, turning my face to him. “Please, stay here. Stay with me.”

He meant here…in this moment.

I nodded and pushed against him till he was on his back, so I could straddle him. Not wanting to waste more time, we slid out of our underwear and took in the feeling of our bodies finally together without a barrier of cloth.

I wanted to lose myself in his body and for him in mine. I wanted to close our eyes and melt away from the motel room and simply into space where we existed, where no troubles could reach us, and where this…this moment…would be enough to save us.

I choked back a heavy sob and quickly dismissed Sabin from reaching to touch my cheek. Instead, I pushed myself up on the balls of my feet to tease his already firm erection. With his help, Sabin gripped my hips firmly to help guide him into me. The feel of him inside me after so long felt uncomfortable at first, but a few thrusts were all it took for me to find my rhythm. I enjoyed watching him explore my body, I tried to memorize it, to seal it away as a memory I didn’t want to forget.

Before I registered the corners of his mouth, Sabin flipped me onto my back and quickly spread my legs with his knee to take away any space between us. He thrust into me slowly, deeply, and made sure to kiss me just as tenderly. This entire time we didn’t say much. We didn’t let out pornographic moans and utterances to encourage an explosive orgasm. Whatever it took to extend the time before either of us gave out and into pleasure.

Between wet kisses, I noticed my cheeks were streaked not with my tears, but his. He didn’t say anything but pulled away from me slightly so he could keep his eyes closed and focused on pumping deeper into me. He was hitting all the right spots, because the more firmly he thrust, the more I couldn’t help gasping softly into his ear.

That man always made me feel good. He was the first man I was with and I had always hoped he would be the last. Whatever would come, I wanted to enjoy this for what it was…love.

There was no denying how much love we had for each other, but love was ultimately not enough. Our hearts made every attempt to fool our brains that our lives were bound and entwined, but our brains saw right through it. We didn’t want to make it real, so we stayed together even after our bodies succumbed to ecstasy. After a short rest, we continued to chase away our sadness with touch. But we were human, we could only fuck into delusion so much before we were exhausted.

We lay on the bed, listening to each other breathe heavily. The air in the room was thick with the stench of sex. Sad sex. Had to be honest–that’s what it was. Eventually one of us had to get up to use the restroom. Movement meant…the moment was over.

We couldn’t stay in the room forever, so once we were showered and dressed, we checked out and got back into the car. Quiet once more.

The drive back was different than the one before we stopped at the motel. There was a feeling, an energy between us that felt not so thick with desperation, but thick with sadness. It was a valid feeling on both ends. We used up what energy we had to try to prove our brains wrong, but eventually, we had to come to the realization that our paths were now split.

I stood on one side of the path and Sabin on the other.

The remainder of the drive was fine. We weren’t silent, but simply kept our conversations light and cordial to avoid the awkward silences we had grown so used to. We felt nothing ill towards each other. There was still love, but I didn’t think that could ever truly go away.

The heaviness between us did return, however, once we were parked in our driveway. Without looking at each other, we stepped out of the car and stopped in front of our door.

We both knew that once we set foot inside, a decision was going to be made. As the door opened and we walked inside, I took Sabin’s hand in mine. My breath shuddered. The words weren’t forming. I couldn’t say it, but when I felt Sabin squeeze my hand, I felt it as he did.

“No one can say we didn’t try. I just,” he sighed, “If there are other universes out there, I just hope…that maybe there we got this to work.”

There were no more talks that night on the couch to try again, to try harder. No content slumbers together or even a truly final attempt at resuscitating our relationship with carnal desire.

Maybe one day our paths would cross again and maybe then we would finally be ready to truly be together. Or perhaps when our paths do eventually cross again, we will both be in situations that require no interference…

Maybe one day…

Gen. 10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty-Six

Relationships are…hard.

Sabin and I weren’t even married and I felt like the blows we were dealt were ones folks wouldn’t have to deal with until actually tying the knot. Perhaps these were here to warn us, to throw out the question: “Are you SURE this is the path you want to be going down?” Or…maybe…”If you two can survive this, then you can get through anything.”

I’ve been trying to focus on the more optimistic side, but it’s only human to have some…doubt, right?

Dr. Riley asked us to give each other some grace during this hump. We were essentially working on scraping away a thick layer of hurt that was keeping us from getting close again.

Each day started to get a bit easier, and then it turned into a week, and then two, and before we knew it we were at three months of just trying to get back to what we felt was lost. Every time we dug deeper and communicated, we took a few steps forward, but don’t get me wrong…when those few steps were taken, we too had to take a few steps back.

Healing is a tricky bitch.

Sabin and I tried to sleep in the same bed most nights, but some days I just needed a bit of distance.

With everything happening within our little circle, I neglected so much of what was happening beyond us. I was on auto-pilot at work. I lost track of my emails, phone calls, and texts. I had visibly distanced myself and I knew I had to try…

Again, Dr. Riley’s words…

“Otto called me again,” I said as I folded our laundry. Sabin was seated at his desk, but despite all the spreadsheets he had pulled up on his screen, he turned to me. “He messages me every week. It’s like a standing appointment. I…I really miss feeling normal.”

Sabin turned off the screen on his computer and listened.

“I want to focus on what we have going on, but I can’t handle being in a vacuum anymore, Sabin. I’ve tried so many times to write to Dani, to Gia, and I end up just turning my phone off. I think if I have any chance of getting my friends back, I need to see them in person.”

“Then let’s go,” Sabin suggested. “They’re hosting a game night, I think. If you really want to go, I could reach out to Otto to let him know we can come…you up for it tonight?”

Despite the tightness in my chest, I agreed.

---

Can you really get back to what you had when everyone else has moved on?

Some days I felt like I was watching my life from a bird’s eye view. Even while around others, I felt out of place. Perhaps it was just my anxiety after not being part of the scene for such a long time. It had been months since I was in the same room with them. But it had been years since I last felt truly…present.

I watched my friends laugh and hug, and talk about their week while I sat on the couch with a glass of water. I felt like an audience member watching a sitcom. Was I going to see a cue card to laugh or clap? I just didn’t know how to join back the rhythm…

While my mind raced and attempted to find my “in”, I noticed Dani approach me with a toddler in her arms. She smiled, but I could see she was stepping towards me like I was a ticking time bomb. Slow, quiet…

“Hey,” she said quietly, sitting beside me. “I’m really glad you came.”

I nodded. “Me too. Sorry, I’ve been ghosting you all.”

“You’re here now,” Dani assured me. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“Well, at least a little,” I chuckled, “I basically dropped off the face of the Earth. I stopped responding, I…” Before I could finish my sentence, I watched Dani’s daughter, Lenore, reach for my arm. I didn’t gasp or wince. I just watched her little hand reach for me. I must have been such a stranger to her now.

For once I felt a smile slowly spread across my lips. She was very much Dani’s daughter. It felt good not to pull away and I could tell Dani noticed.

“Would you like to hold her?” She asked quietly.

“Please…”

When Lenore was handed to me, I trembled. I missed out on so much. My own sadness shrouded so much happiness that was always around me. I could tell that Dani didn’t want to share her joy with me sometimes not because she didn’t love me, but because she loved me so much that she didn’t want to hurt me.

As much as I wanted what she had at one point, I could never resent her for simply living her life. I loved her and Otto, and I wanted nothing but health and joy for them, for their entire family. How could I ever be upset at such a beautiful, small, precious face?

“She’s gotten big,” I commented. “You think she’ll be as tall as Otto?” Had to sneak that in.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe that’ll take care of some scholarships when she’s older,” Dani laughed.

Crack.

The sound of our collective laughter felt like a crack in the awkwardness that I knew we both felt. We were still very much alike, so in sync. Relationships were hard, but the ones worth fighting for would always have folks on both sides who were patient, kind, and always there when needed.

While Lenore played with my hair and I enjoyed every moment of having her little body against my chest, I turned my head to Dani and sighed, content. “I really missed you, Dani. I’m really trying to be more present, but…”

“I know,” Dani smiled. “Alma, you’ve…let’s be serious, you’ve had shit handed to you on a silver platter for the last few years. The fact that you’re still standing here is amazing…the fact that” she shot dagger eyes at Sabin, “he is here, is even more amazing. Which by the way…what??”

I suppose we really had a lot to catch on. I didn’t disclose much to my friends after Sabin left, but I could assume that word traveled rather quickly. Mom might have mentioned something, Dad was probably heated, and Dani’s parents were still on great terms with mine, so…not surprised.

Everything would be explained in due time, but until I had to unpack more of my experience the last few months, I wanted to enjoy the moment of sitting on the couch with little Lenore in my arms, my best friend at my side, and our partners catching up over a few non-alcoholic brews.

---

Dani and I had excused ourselves to another room after putting Lenore in her crib. Otto and Sabin were sucked into a conversation around work or cars…or…something, something normal at least. Good, he needed this, too.

“So,” Dani started with her hands on her hips, “I thought Sabin unsubscribed from the relationship after leaving you alone for what…two months?”

“Three,” I corrected quickly, but swatted the thought away. “I was pissed, yes, but we’ve been in therapy.”

“And the therapist didn’t tell you to dump his ass?”

“Dani,” I urged her to settle down. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but Sabin isn’t the bad guy here. We’re both…hurt by our circumstances and each other. No one is free of blame here, we’re just trying to navigate this,” I shrugged, “healing together.”

I watched my friend’s brows wiggle, trying to figure out the correct emotional response. “So what you’re saying is that I shouldn’t call anyone to key his car…or break his kneecaps”

“Fucking hell, pregnancy makes you a savage Mama,” I smirked before agreeing that a more peaceful approach would be suitable. “We’re not exactly great, but we’re working through it. Talking more and more each day…”

The way she looked at me, I knew that question was practically hanging off her tongue, but I just let it marinate between us. It was a question that I honestly thought about every day, but was too afraid to say out loud, let alone bring up to Sabin.

It felt like it would be the type of question that would crack our already thin foundation. It could go in a few ways–I ask it and we get pulled into a discussion that makes us realize we can’t fix things, or…we chase the feeling we had before and rush into something that we aren’t quite ready for.

“Look,” Dani pulled me back from my head. “Whatever you two do is between you and him–we’re just here to support whatever decision may be made. But just know our door is always open. It may vaguely smell like vomit from the baby, but I swear it’s not always like that!”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Thanks, Dani. I appreciate it.”

“Anytime, sister. Hope you didn’t think a little distance could sour our eternal love.”

“Of course not…”

Dani and I made our way back to the main room where Otto and Sabin were talking excitedly. Seeing his face light up was like a glimpse of how things were–gosh, even back in college. When things were still so surface-level, so excited to live and experience everything. I longed to stretch that moment out for as long as I could before we overstayed our welcome at our friend’s home.

Otto turned to us as we walked in and clasped his hands together. “You know all this catching up is great, but how about we actually get to playing a game tonight?”

Sabin and I didn’t even glance at each other before we both agreed that we’d stay for an actual game night. I suppose we both needed this extension of bliss. Maybe this was part of getting better. Surrounding ourselves with the comfort of friends as a reward for talking about everything else that made us uncomfortable. I suppose it also forced me out of my head a bit.

“Your move, Alma,” Otto said and handed a set of dice over to me.

Giving my palm a quick blow for good luck, I released the dice onto the board game. After my successful roll was made, I moved my game piece and celebrated getting ahead of Dani. This continued for a few more rounds till we finished one game and moved on to the next.

“So you two set a new date for the wed–” Before he could finish, Dani gripped Otto’s shoulder and squeaked, or…screamed? I honestly couldn’t tell what the intention was as her lips were so tightly sealed that only a tiny “yip” was heard.

“Oh shit…,” Otto suddenly glanced between me, Sabin, Dani, and back to me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine,” I admitted. The dreaded question I pushed back on answering internally was pulled to the surface unintentionally, but…it was a big question mark over everyone’s heads. What were we going to do now? We were still together, right? Or…were we dating? Casually living together?

“As soon as we know, we’ll be sure to update you all.” Sabin chimed in, saving me from trying to make something up.

I offered him a small smile, a quiet thanks for helping the evening remain light.

The rest of the evening was still a good time, but it was a given that there was an air of discomfort. We continued to play it off for the rest of the evening until Otto apologized once again. He thought that everything was back to normal and that he really didn’t mean to intrude. I took no offense as I would have assumed the same had the situation been reversed.

I loved our friends and thanked them again for a much-needed evening. When it was time to go, Sabin and I got back in our car and drove home. The silence was…loud.

---

When Otto asked us about our wedding, I could feel the discomfort all the way from the other side of the couch. I had to say something to keep Alma from having to speak for us. I felt she did that a lot recently. Whatever was happening between was still…in progress, or maybe under construction was the more correct description.

After that moment, everything else seemed fine, but I’ve been with Alma long enough to know her dialogue inside was anything but quiet. I wondered if, in the silence that we shared on the drive home, she was also planning on what to say when we got back.

I realized that for the last few months, we spent time outside of our home and always came back to have more difficult conversations. Honestly, I think I was starting to hate the fucking couch. I didn’t really want to see her cry again tonight–that’s usually how our talks would end. And I knew she was dreading it.

Our driveway was in sight, but I bit down on my lip and pulled the car over before turning around.

That stirred her.

“Um, did you forget something at Otto’s?”

“No.”

“But the house…” she said, pressing her finger against the car window.

“If we go back now, we’ll be talking till 2 am about how this isn’t going to work. And we’ll be analyzing if this relationship is worth staying in because we just have too much shit going on that we need to work on individually.”

“Sabin…”

“Alma, I’ve lost out on a lot by leaving, I know that. You don’t bring it up anymore, but I feel it. I am not done fighting for this–for us.”

There was no protest. Alma sat back in her seat and nodded. Still looking ahead, I managed to catch a quick glance at her smile. Hell, I think I even saw some teeth.

“Lead the way,” she urged me.

Gen. 10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty-Four

TW: Loss.

Three Years Later.

“Thank you again, Alma. I’m sure Dani is going to love this.”

I nodded politely and handed the wrapped floral arrangement to Otto who never missed a week of picking up a bouquet of flowers for his wife. Yes, wife. Dani and Otto ended up getting married in December, three years ago now…

Before Otto stepped out, he looked down at the wrapping and back at me. “Dani appreciates the package–the clothes. She just didn’t want to upset you. I know it’s–“

My expression barely changed from its neutral politeness, even if to utter a response that made me feel like my heart should shatter. It’s been a while now…the same lump in my throat that I used to have felt easier to get down. “I’m just glad someone gets to use them. Lenore looks really cute in that sunflower dress. You know…Dani can always send me pictures. It’s…I don’t want her to feel that she can’t share her joy with me.”

I never imagined that life’s most stereotypically joyous moments would have put such a strain on my friendship with my best friend. But here we were…years later. Gia is off making headlines for her studies. Dani is married to Otto with one kid and another on the way and I am…sigh.

I glanced at my hand once Otto was a safe distance away from my shop to see a thin layer of dirt covering my left hand.

I really thought things would be different. I didn’t realize that through thick and thin meant..empty promises.

---

“Hey, I’m home,” I spoke into the dark room. These last few months I never knew if I would be coming home to warmth or whatever void I just stepped into. “Welcome home to you too, Alma…” I mumbled.

The house was empty as it was most days. The warmth of laughter continued to fade more into memory with each passing day. The idea of getting back to those moments was starting to feel like an impossible feat.

“You’re home,” I suddenly heard from the other room. It was Sabin. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Honestly, let’s not beat around the bush. He looked like shit. “Sorry, I didn’t get a chance to clean up.”

He was right. The kitchen counter was littered with empty cans of beer, takeout, and his carry-on luggage sprawled out in the hallway. “When did you get back?” I asked.

“Before you left. I just…”

I nodded and set my purse down. The man before me felt like a stranger. We both had our issues, our demons, but this…how did it come to this? If I had to put tracking markers on our relationship, to point out where it began to crumble, it would have been three years ago. We were on a path to get married. July 23rd. That was the plan. Now we felt like roommates who said hello and goodbye out of pure courtesy. I suppose that didn’t die yet.

Of course, when you have plans, there are always bumps that just happen to materialize to help you slow down. No, my choice of words was no accident. Weeks after I bought my wedding dress and started working with my best friends and Sabin to plan our wedding, I found out I was pregnant again. A complete surprise, but that’s life for you. You think you’re being careful and after a few nights of mind-blowing sex fueled by just such pure…love, you end up with a happy little accident. Despite talking about a life without children a while back, this happy accident seemed like a sign that was written in our love story as something that needed to happen.

Sure it had us pause a bit, but this little bump was adored and celebrated until there was nothing left to coo over. After our first loss years ago, we thought it was a sign that our life was just meant to be a bit out of order. Perhaps one with more hurdles so we could truly love and appreciate what I hoped would bloom inside me.

I hated remembering. But “Remembering helps with the path to healing” or so I’ve been told after months of therapy.

I was just beginning to show when we learned that the energetic heartbeat we heard just a few weeks prior fell silent and slithered out of me in a stream of crimson. I was home alone when it happened. The third time I was placed on self-ordered bed rest. I took time off work, and I had Sabin around to help me just so we could make it past that…safe zone. Apparently, I was exempt…

And then the fourth time it happened…I felt our reality crack.

Honestly, our baby…all of them were so wanted. Each time we put our wedding planning on pause and well…each loss was handled differently. I mourned by reaching for a hint of that happiness I felt for those few weeks. Sabin mourned by…sinking deeper into his darkness till the crack between us grew larger and larger.

We were still together…technically. But a wedding? That wasn’t even a topic anymore. Why would it be?

My hand gently grazed my abdomen where I could still feel the phantom flutters of a once-occupied womb. Rather than continue dwelling, I put my hair up into a messy bun and walked into the kitchen to look at what was left in the fridge.

“Alma, I…” Sabin reached for my wrist. “Can we just talk?”

I let the fridge door shut on its own so I could turn around and face him.

“I shouldn’t have left,” he started while I made my way to the couch. “I…I didn’t want to hurt you or…me…”

“I get it,” I stated plainly. “You’re hurting. I’m hurting, but you just don’t–” I felt the lump in my throat dissolve completely. With the space created, I was left with…anger and hurt. “You don’t leave in the middle of the night and just leave a fucking note! Which,” I stammered, “was FUCKING vague! I was worried something happened to you. That you might have–“

I knew my words were sharp, but he let me continue.

“Sabin, how did we get here? How did we go from longing to be in each other’s presence to avoiding coming inside the house just because we knew the other was inside. Sabin, I wanted to marry you. I wanted so much to have your children the moment I felt I could again, but now,” I winced, “No wedding, no babies because woohoo,” I pointed at my mid-section aggressively, “I have a fucking broken womb!”

I wanted so much more. Word spilled from my mouth sloppily till I could taste the salt of my tears. Sabin didn’t fight back. He stayed quiet and pulled me into an embrace I didn’t defend against. I missed that warmth. I missed him so much. I missed what we could have had.

Could we actually get even an inkling of that back?

---

Alma’s sadness dampened my shirt, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. What could I tell her? I snapped and did the only thing I knew well and that was…run. Alma took it upon herself to go to doctor’s appointments while I buried myself in work. I started taking more assignments, but dealing in Veteran affairs…my own included, it left me feeling withdrawn.

But staying withdrawn allowed me to…sink. First, it was at home, and then I needed to sink deeper, taking assignments further away from home.

We had been together for years and yet I knew what I was doing. I was running and in doing so I probably broke what little trust I had from her. Work meant nothing to me if I knew that the woman I loved was hurting. I figured maybe if I left, she’d just leave and realize that I really wasn’t the one for her.

I couldn’t bring myself to leave because I didn’t want to imagine a life without her, yet…we were basically there.

Alma never asked for help. She hid most of her losses from me when she could. I wanted us to stop trying, but she assured me she wanted a family with me. I hated seeing her look like she was the one who was broken. We considered fertility treatments at one point, but after the third loss, we wanted to give it one more try before hanging up our family-planning efforts.

We thought that would make things…stick. But the last time, I couldn’t unsee the image of her weeping. Not crying, but…weeping.

I tightened my grip around her small frame to nudge the image away from my head.

“I have no words that could excuse my leaving. I thought,” I exhaled softly against her hair, “I thought my leaving would make it easier. I feel like I’m dragging you down and without me…”

“Without you, I felt like I lost everything,” She uttered.

Before I could get another word in, she pulled away and gave me a swift shove. I admit I deserved it. “I thought we loved each other, Sabin. We were planning our life together and then…shit happened but I stayed. I needed to grieve, but I,” she sobbed, “I stayed.”

My heart ached for her and for us. She was right. I didn’t know if I could ever help bring us back to what we had. I had to try. I ran enough.

“I know this won’t make a difference, but…I’m so incredibly sorry, Alma. I know I messed up, and…”

Alma gripped my wrists tugging on the sleeve of my hoodie. “We messed up,” she spoke as if correcting me. I thought to counter her again but froze when the weight suddenly shifted on the couch. Alma was back on her feet and directing me to follow.

“Let’s just…please let’s just go to bed. I really don’t want to fight tonight.”

“But Alma, we have to talk.”

“We can fight tomorrow.”

I never thought I’d feel a twinge of excitement about fighting with my partner, but a tomorrow…meant that we weren’t giving up.

Gen. 10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty-Three

“Now, I don’t see why we’re doing this,” I laughed as Dani and Gia shoved me in the backseat of my car. I was still in my work uniform when the two ladies ambushed my store with my mother. Luckily, I had helped the last customer that hour, so no one got to see this scene unfold. “Mom??”

Mom tied the apron around her waist and shrugged playfully. “What? The girls told me that they had an opportunity for me to earn some money doing something exciting.”

I glared out the window at Dani and Gia.

“Don’t worry, honey! I’ve worked behind a register before. I won’t burn the place down,” Mom assured me before walking back into my store.

Dani got behind the wheel and Gia followed to the passenger side.

“So, why am I stuffed in the backseat of my own car–kidnapped from my own store?” I asked.

“Gia is going back to work soon and I think we need to get this momentous event started with,” Dani glanced at Gia quickly so they could both simultaneously exclaim:

“Wedding dress shopping!”

Gia turned her head, “And before you say anything, your mother will be joining us shortly. Your store is only open for a little bit longer, so she’ll make sure to lock up. We wouldn’t want her to miss this moment either.”

“But,” I sighed, “We don’t have a wedding date set. I don’t know when this will actually happen…”

“No matter,” Gia responded for our friend. “Finding that perfect dress sometimes helps kick things off. You deserve to see yourself as a bride…”

I hadn’t considered that just like I hadn’t considered much about the wedding. We still didn’t set a date while Sabin kept throwing random ones around. It seemed that every time we tried to, something came up. This all felt like a test to me. Today didn’t seem like a day to get into it, so I decided to entertain the girls’ trip to the bridal store.

When we arrived, Gia helped me out of the car and guided me inside where a young employee was waiting with a tray of mimosas.

“Welcome ladies to Lotus Bridal! We’re so happy to have you here. Please come in, grab yourself a drink and we’ll get you settled in your room to try on some gorgeous dresses!”

She must have said that line so many times that day, but her energy was still appreciated.

We were brought into a small room with a set of mirrors and a platform. The last time I was in a bridal shop was when we were getting ready for Dani’s wedding. It was as wild as one would think for a couple like Dani and Otto. She went all out with her dress, the party, the food, and the music. I mean her family absolutely spared no expense on their eldest daughter’s wedding. Rightfully so, they were happy to see their kid moving on in their life. So, sitting in that room with now it being my turn to get all dressed up, it still felt so odd.

“Alma, what type of dress do you think you’d like to wear?” Gia asked, nudging me out of my thoughts.

“I think you should try every single dress until you feel like a princess!” Dani suggested.

“Like you did?” I asked with a smirk.

“Exactly! We’ll keep the mimosas flowing and we will not leave until we see you crying at how beautiful you are!”

If my life was an 80’s romantic comedy, I feel like there would have to be some musical montage of me trying on dresses. Oh wait…what the hell?

Dani bounced in her seat with one hand around her champagne flute and the other holding up her phone like a boombox, blasting–you guessed it–her “80’s movie montage moments” playlist.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Gia got up from her chair and wheeled over a rack of dresses. She urged me to follow her into the fitting room. “The nice lady will help you into the dresses, so let’s have some fun!” Once I was settled, she bounced away backward to the beat of the music. At this point, I couldn’t help but laugh at their odd behavior. It was just a taste of our antics as younger ladies.

When I was left alone to begin trying on dresses, I felt my head block out the noise outside until it was almost muted. The walls of the room somehow felt closer together, and my breath seemed louder, my heart pounded faster. I placed my hand on the lace of the first dress on the rack. I was excited to get married, but I was also scared. It was a commitment much greater than anything I had done before. I would be going down a path that many of my family members and friends had gone down.

The rough texture of the lace invited me to strip down to my panties, so I could try it on.

As I examined myself in the mirror, observing the lace caress my skin, I felt out of place. I felt like a child playing dress-up for a game of make-believe. I felt suffocated in that room. What if by trying all these dresses on, I realized that maybe this wasn’t my path? Oh god–what if?

“Hello?” The salesgirl crooned sweetly. “Are you ready to show off dress number one?”

“Um, sure…”

I walked out of the room, barely able to move my legs. By my friend’s expressions, they could tell I was uncomfortable.

“Sorry Alma, but you look like you’re about to shit yourself in that dress.” Dani quickly assured the sales girl that it was some form of exaggeration on her part and that I was in fact not going to soil myself and the dress.

Okay, then it wasn’t just me.

I waddled back into the room and sighed wearily. Beyond the doors, I could hear that another person had joined us for the event. My mother. I felt my hands sweat more. Now I had one of the most important people watching me dress up?

The second dress was long, but it had a beautiful dip in the front. It didn’t look as stiff as the lace number I somehow managed to squeeze into. This fabric was softer, more comforting against my skin. When I looked at myself in the mirror, however, I felt like an imposter. This was not mine to wear. I was truly beginning to feel sick, but I managed to walk out. In my head, I thought of all the family weddings I had seen on recordings. I even thought of Dani’s wedding. Her dress looked like it was made for her and her alone. I felt wrong.

I stepped out onto the platform and I could see everyone’s face light up. “Oh Alma! You’re so pretty!!” Gia and Dani cooed.

Mom simply smiled. “Very pretty, Alma.”

“I don’t know about this, guys,” I admitted. “None of this feels right to me. It doesn’t feel good.” My hands traced my curves slowly. I felt like I was wearing someone else’s clothing. It was really beginning to bother me.

Gia and Dani exchanged glances while my Mom observed me. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Honestly, I was afraid to ask.

Mom got up from her seat and walked to me, immediately patting the fabric down and examining it from every angle. “Sometimes the things we feel best in aren’t exactly what people find to be ‘traditional’.” She quickly pulled out her phone and scrolled as if she was racing. “Look,” she showed me her phone that had a picture of her in her wedding dress. “This wasn’t traditional at all. In fact, I bought it and altered it to look like that.”

“What?” I took her phone and examined it closer. “You mean you didn’t find it like that?”

Mom shook her head. “Please, for that year in St. Claire? It was all lace and no flare. I had some help with it, but nothing in the stores felt quite right to me. You are most definitely my daughter,” Mom smiled and brushed away a runaway tear on my face. “Try on some more, little love. If you like some parts, then we can work with it.”

I agreed to walk back into the fitting room and pulled out another dress. I tried not to think much of it as I slipped into it and the salesgirl buttoned me up. Whatever happens, happens, I thought to myself. Don’t think much about it and just go out.

Once ready, I walked back out to the platform to show my family, as well as to really examine it myself. I stood on the platform stiff as a board, almost startled at what I was seeing. My chest felt so heavy–I almost forgot to breathe until I was forced to gasp. “O-Oh my…”

“Show us!” Dani cheered.

I struggled to turn around as my knees were shaking so terribly. The fabric of this dress felt like a second skin. It laid so nicely against me and hugged me where it should. With just a few alterations, I could say that it was made just for me. Already equipped with blurry vision, I shrugged and waited for the commentary.

There was none. It was silent for the first few minutes, accompanied by the tears I was really trying to hold back. I sniffled quickly as to not get snot on the dress I was falling in love with.

Dani and Gia rose to their feet so they could walk up to me and each hold my hand. “How do you feel?”

Honestly, I was speechless. I opened my mouth to speak and only squeaks came out. The real cherry on top was when I looked past the two ladies at my side and at my mother who was frantically wiping tears away.

“It’s like some crazy rule in the book of brides,” Mom sniffled, “That if both the bride and the mother of the bride are ugly sobbing, then we must have a keeper.” She got up from her seat and approached me too. “I cannot begin to tell you how beautiful you look, Alma. What do you think? How do you feel?”

I looked down at the dress and allowed my mouth to spread into a truly genuine smile. “I feel like I’m going to get married,” I announced. “I’m not even joking-this is happening!”

While we were having our own little love fest, the adorable salesgirl in the corner had her own cheering section. “Does that mean you’re saying yes to the dress?”

Laughing, I wiped my tears away. “Yes–yes, I am!”

Dani and Gia started cleaning up their glasses while Mom helped me into the fitting room. She helped unbutton my dress and allowed me to get dressed back in my work clothes. While I was happy to have found a dress that really made me feel like a bride–finally, I wasn’t ready to make the purchase just yet. Again, it was money I wasn’t ready to spend.

“Alma,” Mom hung the dress back up on the hanger and touched it gently. “We want you to feel the joy of this moment, okay? We want you to enjoy planning this event and living in it when the day comes…”

I agreed. “Today was really nice. Finally felt real.”

“Your father and I are going to be paying for this wedding,” she blurted out. “No, if’s and’s, or but’s. I know that these last few years you’ve been distant, but we’d love to do this for our only daughter.”

“W-what?” I fell back into the seat in the fitting room as Mom turned to face me. “That’s too much, Mom.”

“Nonsense. Your Dad has been wanting to call you for weeks–ever since you announced your engagement. This is something we’d love to do.”

At this point, the tears were unstoppable. The last year or so, I felt like I was finally getting back to where I was with my family. I felt close again. I threw my arms around my mom and hugged her, squeezing her tighter when I felt her arms wrap around me, too. “I love you, Mom…and Dad, of course. I’ll have to take you two out to dinner and pay you back!”

Mom pulled back and disagreed. “No, no paybacks. Just let us in on some planning for our pleasure and smile, okay? You’re our treasure. Your brother’s too, but you’re our only daughter and our firstborn. You came into our lives when we were still discovering ourselves. Now, let’s get that wedding dress checked out and keep moving forward, hmm?” Mom said with a wink.

Sniffling, I nodded and followed her out of the room.

Still high on the emotions, we made plans to go out for drinks later that week. Dani and Gia had some work that they had to finish and Mom had her own appointments, but at least I got to come home with my wedding dress in my arms. After saying goodbye, I walked back inside my home.

Sabin was sitting at the table eating a sandwich. He looked so undisturbed, I almost didn’t want to make myself known. The recent weeks were tough for us as a couple. I felt I added to that stress with my own uncertainty, but in my heart, I knew what I wanted to say and do.

Gently, I placed the dress on the couch and walked to the kitchen table where I took my seat across from him.

His mouth was full, but he still smiled at me.

“How about July 23rd?” I proposed.

Sabin set his food down and reached for my hand. “July 23rd,” he repeated.

“I’d like to marry you and call you my husband on July 23rd…”

He scooted out from the booth and pulled me into a kiss. It was sloppy and sweet, and everything I loved about us. No words were needed. It was always going to be about us and all that we had faced together. But now? Now I felt we could celebrate a bit more and prepare for the next chapter of our lives together.

Through thick and thin…

On July 23rd.

Gen. 10- Alma. Chapter Thirty-Two

After a few months of living in a rental house, we started trying to make it feel like our home. With my flower shop doing well, but not making a huge profit yet, we didn’t want to stay tied down with a mortgage. Plus, we did get rather lucky with our landlord. They were getting up there with age and were only looking for long-term renters who would potentially want to purchase the home at a later date.

It was a dream for a later time. For now, I was working on some spare rooms while Sabin was studying for his new certifications. Oh yes, it was also 3 in the morning. Once I opened my shop, I felt like I was running around 24/7. It helped me, actually. Whatever stress I had was pushed off to the side because I was way too busy to even think about it. Occupy the mind, and the bad feelings can’t get you, right?

My therapist would probably disagree, but it was working for me. With me being the only employee at my flower shop, for the time being, my only downtime would sometimes be before I started working.

I listened to podcasts and caught up on music I missed out on. It was honestly the best way to start the day. Admittedly, I felt a lot better since speaking with Mom. I wouldn’t say I felt “released” of duty, but I felt I was living without restraint. Mom assured me there really wasn’t anything wrong with not wanting to or being able to have children. That it didn’t make me any less of a woman. I honestly really needed to hear that someone other than Sabin.

Speaking of Sabin, I could hear his heavy footsteps out in the hall. Oof, he was tried, dragging his feet along back to his desk.

“Hey,” I stepped out and waved to get his attention. Nothing. I approached his desk and asked: “How are you doing?”

He groaned and threw his pen against the wall. I could tell that he looked tense, so I walked up to him and gently placed my hand on his shoulder.

“Honestly? This is annoying. It’s frustrating that I’m not getting it down. And I don’t need you breathing down my neck for this shit, okay?” He tensed even more and bowed his head. “I-I’m sorry…I-I didn’t mean that.”

Moments like this were fragile for him. After the injuries he sustained while deployed, he had a harder time concentrating. When things didn’t go well, he got frustrated, angry even. He sometimes yelled at me, but it wasn’t meant to be aggressive towards me. It used to scare me at first. I used to think if this was something I could actually live with. Sabin was sweet, but he had history.

With time I learned what would help him, at least in moments like this. Other times, I had Otto on speed dial.

I leaned down to pick up his pen and handed it back to him. “It’s alright, Sabin. Why don’t I make us some tea? Sometimes it helps to step away for a little bit. Give the good ‘ol brain a little rest.”

He grabbed my hand in his and kissed it lightly. “Thank you.”

Sabin was working hard on advancing at his job. He was awesome with tech, but it was a field that was constantly evolving. Keeping his certifications updated was a requirement by his company, and I could tell he was starting to feel that pressure. We went downstairs and I sat him down with a cup of tea. We talked about everything other than his assignment. I figured he could use some time to cool down and reassess what needed to be done.

“So, Gia is back in town later this week. I told her that we’d have to get together for dinner or something. She and Dani are most definitely excited about the wedding. We don’t even have a date set and they’re getting ahead of all the planning…”

Sabin looked up from his cup and smiled. “Would you like to set one?”

“What?”

“A date. For our wedding.”

We briefly talked about it when Sabin first proposed to me, but we never settled on anything. Then we got the house stuff figured out, we started working a lot more to save money–it just didn’t come up after that. So when he asked just then, I shrugged.

“I don’t know about right now, but maybe sometime next year? We’re only just settling in and weddings are expensive. I already told you about Grandma Attie. If there’s no dance floor, she may have to start dancing on tables with Grandpa.”

He nodded. “Makes sense. Next year does sound good though,” he smiled. “Maybe sometime in Spring? St. Claire has those crazy cool sunsets if we chose to have it outdoors.”

It made me happy hearing him talk about our wedding. The planning was going to be fun, I had no doubt about that. It would just be a lot nicer to do it without worrying about money. We deserved to have something nice, right? And going to our family for financial assistance just wasn’t something I considered. I thrived on being independent, so I wanted to continue on that path. That was an acceptable decision, right?

“Okay,” Sabin sighed. “I’m going to give it another try. I’ll head out to the office in about an hour. Thanks for the break, love.”

I nodded and accepted his kiss on my cheek. “Of course.”

Normally my 3 AM routines weren’t that eventful, but the change in pace was welcome. Moments like that weren’t always easy, but it reminded me of what we were in for together. It reminded us why we were so good together. I wouldn’t trade Sabin for anyone else. When Sabin went back to his studies, I felt the morning fast forward. We fell back into our routines. Sabin gave me a kiss on the cheek and drove to work. I finished tidying up, watered our plants, and drove to work. I spent each hour of my workday assisting people with questions about their plants, advising on which plants to get, and ordering more inventory. Truth be told, the motivation to get through the week was knowing my closest friend group would finally reunite this week.

I found myself reminiscing between customers. It felt like so many years ago that we were all giggling about boys in school and now we basically had our life figured out. Well, if anyone could actually say that. Okay-okay–we had it figured out for the most part! Gia was working all over the world now. She was a respected researcher in the field of young adult psychology. It seemed that only I was actually settled down and not that far from where I grew up too. I didn’t envy them for that, however, because I felt nothing but joy knowing they were out doing what made them the happiest. For me, I had my dream here. I opened up the flower shop and I was getting married to a man I loved.

I still found that to be pretty extraordinary.

By the end of the workday, I locked up quickly and drove home, expecting another stir fry dinner to be thrown together quickly so Sabin and I could sink into the couch and relax. When I did pull into our driveway, I knew my plans were going to be changed.

Standing in my driveway I saw long legs, dark pants, a striped top–all of that was worn by a fierce-looking woman. And I don’t mean fierce as in aggressive, but kickass!

“Honey, I’m home!” Gia laughed. “You should see your face right now!”

I quickly parked my car and got out to run and greet her. “I’m surprised! I thought you weren’t coming in until Friday!”

“Lady, me too!” Gia played with my hair and sighed. “I got moved up to an earlier flight.”

I squeaked excitedly. “Oh, I’m so happy! Please tell me you’ll spend the night?”

The flashes of our childhood were fast-forwarding again. Oh my god–this was all I needed today!

“If you’ll have me, sure! I was gonna drive over to Dani’s but she’ll be coming here tomorrow anyway.”

I helped her inside with all her bags and wasted no time in getting her comfortable with a glass of wine. I noticed Sabin wasn’t home yet, but I figured he was staying late to study with his coworkers. I texted him quickly for his ETA since Gia was over before heading back to the couch.

While we talked almost daily on the phone and via messenger, it still felt surreal to be seeing her in person in well over a year. Gia had a very busy year with getting her work all straightened out after her fancy promotion. I was so proud to see my friends doing so well. What felt the best for me, however, was that despite this time apart, we just fell right back into our normal rhythm.

“Tell me everything–how’s life treating you?” I asked.

Gia leaned back and exhaled loudly. “Well, traveling has been really nice. Maybe someday you can join me to pick up some exotic plants for your shop,” she offered. “We’d make it a girl’s trip. I know Dani wouldn’t turn that down since she has to travel too. Maybe we can find like,” she tapped her glass and smiled, “A meet-up location, if we’re all over, ya know?”

I agreed. My heart was warm at the thought. It was so nice to talk about these things, yet I knew, in reality, I couldn’t just pick everything up and head out for a week or two. My business was still very young and taking some time off simply wasn’t in the cards. At least not yet. I was still working on interviewing extra help around the store.

“Also,” Gia whispered and took my left hand in hers. “Congratulations are in order–in person!” Her smile was so infectious that my smile only grew when I saw hers. “I’m so happy for you two. I remember how disgustingly cute you two were in college. God, that seems so long ago now…”

“Yeah, a lot has happened in all those years. It feels weird, doesn’t it?”

She agreed.

We finished our glass of wine and as I got up to grab another bottle. I stopped to look back at my phone. No messages or calls. “Um, Gia. Can you open up this bottle? I have to give Sabin a call. He’s usually home by now.

I was taught not to panic, yet I couldn’t keep my heart rate from quickening. I dialed his number and wandered into the front hall.

“Hello? Sa–” I was cut-off by his voicemail.

Dial again.

“Hello??”

“Al…ma,” I heard wheezing on the other end.

“Drop your pin, Sabin. I’ll pick you up. I’ll be right there.”

I didn’t need an explanation. I recognized that breathing like I had so many times already. I rushed back into the living room and managed a small smile for my friend. “I’m sorry to do this, but Sabin needs me. I’m just going to pick him up and we’ll be back soon. Please, please–PLEASE, make yourself at home. If you want to order some food too, that’s cool. If you order from any of the places I have on the side of the fridge, then they have our account on file, so it’ll just go on my card.”

Gia didn’t question me; she nodded and assured me that she would handle things.

“I’ll be back soon!”

I wasted no time in getting in my car and looking at my phone to see where he was located. On my map, he was just a small little point until I zoomed in. He was right in the center of the city. I knew it was just a few blocks away from his work. I had to hurry. I knew he didn’t sound hurt, but being alone when he was having a panic attack…I didn’t even want to think about it.

When I finally arrived, I parked my car as quickly as possible and left my hazard lights on since I knew I would need to get Sabin back into it.

I saw him sitting down, his back against the brick wall behind the bar. His knuckles were scratched up. His eyes were red.

“Hey,” I ran up to him and quickly placed my hand on his shoulder. “I’m here.”

His breathing had slowed down a bit since I last talked to him on the phone. He didn’t say anything. He was still just trying to get his breathing back to normal.

“If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

He sighed and turned me around back to the car. “Not here.”

Back in the car, we sat unbuckled. I gave him time to speak. This wasn’t my time, it was his.

“I fucking failed the test. I couldn’t fucking concentrate. They were doing construction outside of the fucking room and it was like,” he grounded, slamming his hand against the car’s dashboard so hard that the glove box popped open.

I said and did nothing.

“It was like cinderblock breaking outside…it was so loud. I thought I was better. I thought I could do it.”

I nodded and reached for his bloodied hand to wipe it clean with a cloth I had in my car. He didn’t even wince when the antibacterial liquid made contact.

“Why did they put me in that room?” He sighed.

I looked up and frowned, “This was outside of your job?”

He nodded. “Work doesn’t administer these exams. Some third-party does.”

As much as I wanted to fasten my seatbelt and road rage my way back to that building, I needed to keep my cool for Sabin. I need to help him feel comfortable.

“Why don’t we go home and get some food? Does that sound okay?”

“Yeah. I-I’m really sorry. You know I hate this. I hate doing this to you…”

“And I love you,” I assured him. “I love every part of you, even when it’s tough, okay?”

“Thank you…”

The drive home was a quiet one, but that’s usually how it went. Panic attacks like that were so incredibly draining. I couldn’t imagine how he was feeling. He studied so hard only to be put in a room with so many triggers for him. Whether he liked it or not, I was going to contact that company. Plus, his work should have made a note on his account. Did they specialize in veteran employment or not? Clearly, they didn’t give a crap about notating that Sabin had PTSD. He was already so stressed out with the damn exam that something like this was bound to happen if he was put in a stressful environment.

I was gripping my steering wheel so tightly that Sabin placed his hand on my thigh.

“We’re home.”

I parked the car and exhaled slowly. “I’m sorry, but I forgot to mention that we have company. Gia is in town a few days early and I offered for her to stay with us.”

Sabin leaned forward and nodded. “That’s fine. I think I just need some food right now and some stupid stories to unwind. It’s welcome entertainment,” he smiled. “Sorry again for this; I don’t like to worry you…”

Before I could answer and for the millionth time tell him he didn’t need to apologize, Sabin was out of the car and heading inside. I followed soon behind. The house smelled of Chinese takeout and I was so grateful to Gia for being there. I didn’t tell her why I left, but she didn’t even question it.

“Welcome home, lovebirds!” She greeted as she continued opening up each container. “I hope you guys like orange chicken and every possible kind of dumpling because I think I ordered everything off the menu. And sorry, Alma, but Gia has this one covered.” She winked and invited us over to the counter to stack out plates high with food before we ended up back at the couch.

Sabin didn’t talk much, but he listened and smiled. Gia never asked what happened or if he was okay. She simply continued on with stories of her travels and questions about what we’ve been up to. From time to time, I’d catch her gaze. We were lucky to have her. Other people who didn’t know would ask questions and urge Sabin to talk. From experience, Sabin would talk when he wanted, but he mostly didn’t want people crowding him. He wanted to be involved in something normal. That day, there wasn’t anything more normal than reminiscing about all the dumb things we used to do in school.

“You’ll be in town for our wedding, right?” Sabin asked. “I know we don’t have a date yet, but we’re working on that…”

My cheeks warmed. He’s really been talking about this more than I have. I cocked my head to the side and waited for Gia’s response. I tried to keep my expression a lot less surprised than hers.

“Um, hello? You guys are family. No matter what date you give me, I will be there. For now, however, Miss Alma, may I knock out for the night?”

I nodded and helped Gia into one of our guest rooms. It was nice to finally have someone make use of these rooms. When we originally rented the house, we had planned on having only one guest room and a nursery. Now we had two guest rooms, one of which doubled as an additional study. Before I let Gia retire for the night, she grabbed me lightly by the wrist. Her normal bubbly demeanor was down.

“Everything alright?” I asked with a smile.

“Are you alright?” She turned the question back on me and waited for a second. “I remembered about Sabin, but I think it’s important you’re checked in with too. This must be very stressful…”

“We all have our demons,” I responded quietly. “His just tug at him more. But I’m alright, Gia. I appreciate you asking, truly.”

Gia still held onto my wrist. “I-I feel really bad I didn’t really get a chance to sit down with you and ask about…to see how you’re doing…I just…”

I knew what she meant. “It’s alright, Gia. Now please get some rest and we’ll continue the fun tomorrow, okay?”

She nodded and gave me a quick hug before we shut the door between us.

When it was shut, I felt like I had a moment to let my facade down. My fists were clenched tightly that I felt my skin break. Enough to feel, but not enough to bleed. I quickly brought my hand up to my mouth to stifle the cry I fought to keep inside. I hated myself for breaking like that, but when you’re trying to keep everyone together and from sinking further into their demons, I needed a moment. It was only a minute that I let myself crack, but it was long enough to gather myself and go back to Sabin who was still on the couch.

“You don’t want to get some rest?” I asked, running my hands gently through his hair. “I know today has been a long one for you.”

“What about August 4th?” He uttered. He didn’t look up, but I could feel the vibration of his words under my fingertips.

Again with the date. I walked around to the other side and sat down. “Why do we need to rush to set a date?”

“Because,” he responded sharply. He frowned when I flinched. “Because I want it to happen before you realize how much better off you’d be without me. I can’t offer you anything–I’m a broken man.”

My eyes widened. I knew this was the result of the panic attack and everything he had been through, but I wasn’t going to let him talk about himself like that. “Sabin, what are you talking about?”

“That,” he pointed to a family picture I had hung of Mom and Dad. “I can’t be that. I’m barely keeping it together on days like this and you always run to my ‘rescue’. We have great days, but how long do those last before we’re here again?”

I waited.

“Every time someone congratulates us, I feel like my time is running out before they know how bad it gets sometimes. I don’t know if I’ll ever be better. I don’t know if I can be the man I want to be for you.”

He stopped for a moment to slow his breathing using techniques that I knew his therapist showed him. I admit I thought about it. If I really wanted, I’m sure I could have found someone else to be with. But would I actually be happy? I wasn’t with Sabin out of pity. I wasn’t with him because we suffered a loss together. It wasn’t even because we had grown comfortable being together and I was afraid to start over. In fact, it wasn’t even because I felt broken too.

“I don’t need you to be anyone other than who you are,” I said plainly. “Good days, bad days, and any in-between. That’s what makes you who you are.”

He opened his mouth to speak, but I placed my two fingers over his lips. “Please…please don’t doubt my love, not tonight.”

We spent the night in the living room, watching TV in silence until our exhaustion forced our eyes shut. Even fatigued, Sabin held me tightly in his arms, like a precious toy he didn’t want to let go of. I knew some days were so good that we could almost, for a mere moment, forget that he had PTSD. I also knew that some days would end in him punching a wall or yelling at me. This wouldn’t go away overnight, or maybe ever.

Even knowing all of that…

I still wouldn’t change a thing.

Gen.10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty-One

“Thank you! I hope you enjoy your purchase,” I smiled and handed the bag across the counter to a young woman, my most recent customer.

Business was going well. People around the city were beginning to stop by the shop and see what plants I had for sale. It absolutely kept me busy, but I felt so incredibly proud to see people enjoying the plants I prepped for sale. While I worked with vendors to deliver soil, plant food, and planters for me to sell at my shop, all the plants that I had for sale were grown and loved by me. I felt like I was preparing them for their new homes. I only hoped that my customers felt my personal touch of love with their plants.

The day was winding down for me, which gave me time to take inventory, water the plants needing watering, and get the place tidy for the next day. As I finished sweeping, I heard the bell above the front door ding.

“Welcome to Hope’s Blossom,” I greeted excitedly and quickly put the broom away to make my way to the center of the store, “May I help you find something today?”

I almost froze in place when I saw my mother standing at the door.

“I’d love to get a nice plant from my daughter’s store,” she smiled. “How are you doing, little love?”

“Oh my gosh,” I laughed, running up to her. “I didn’t know you were coming today!”

“I figured I’d surprise you. I hope I’m not interrupting.”

“Oh no,” I looked around. “I’ll be closing soon, so it’s okay. Did you want to grab some dinner or hang out here? Sabin has a server migration cutover happening tonight, so I think he’ll be tied up for a while.”

“We can stay here if you’ll be here a bit,” Mom smiled and made her way to my office to wait for me to finish up.

Once I closed the store, I was able to join her with some snacks that I had on hand in the store and some water. “Sorry, this is all I have here to snack on, but maybe we can go out for something more sustainable later?”

Mom nodded and waited for me to sit down. Odd, she wasn’t talking as much as she normally does. I admit that it did make me nervous, but I smiled through it. “Everything okay? You’re oddly quiet.”

“Of course, of course!” Mom quickly assured me. “I just realize that we didn’t really have time to process this wonderful news about your engagement. I’m so incredibly happy for you. I know you’ve been through so much, Alma. Sabin truly is a wonderful man and I’m so happy to know that you two have been together through it all.” She was averting my gaze, but I noticed her brush her hand over her purse. “I do have to admit that seeing you at your home, speaking to everyone, reminded me so much of myself. I’m so incredibly proud of you and looking forward to seeing where this next chapter of your life takes you.”

It was nice to hear my Mom say that, but the guilt I had shelved came back in full force. I didn’t discuss much of what I decided with Sabin. I didn’t tell her that we weren’t planning on having children. I didn’t tell her that I was thinking of giving up my role as an heiress. Frankly, I thought I would have some extra time to plan my discussion, but apparently, that had to be moved up.

Ugh. This was going to hurt like a bitch.

“Actually,” I started, “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

She seemed taken back, but scooted to the edge of her seat and nodded. “Of course, go ahead.”

“Mom, Sabin and I decided that we may not have kids.”

She stopped and cocked her head to the side. “Oh?”

I was nervous picking my next words. “Yes. So, I wanted to talk to you about the legacy. You know, so you can pick someone who can carry it on”

Mom stared at me for a while. Her expressions morphed but I couldn’t decipher her feelings. I felt like I pushed her to the edge too many times in recent years. This was it, eh? The true shame of our family? Me?

“What are you talking about?” She finally asked. “Why the hell would I pick someone else?”

“Not sure if you heard, but I don’t think kids are in my future. I don’t have the best track record of keeping life in my baby box.”

Mom frowned at my statement but instead of asking again, she got up from her seat and reached for her purse. “I think we should have this talk then.”

Well, I did my best.

As I braced for my dethroning, I spotted the book in Mom’s hands. It was worn and faded in color, but I knew very well what it was. Grandma Attie used to read it to us as kids.

“Is that Ophelias’s book? About—”

“Our family.” Mom opened it up and shook her head slowly.

“You know why this entire legacy exists?”

“To pass on our ideals and love to those who come after us. We maintain kindness and make our previous heiresses proud.”

“See,” Mom groaned. “Here is where we struggle. I bring this up because I see myself in you. Rightfully so because you’re my kid, but…it got me thinking. We as a family became quite foggy when it comes to what we pass on.”

Confused, I listened.

“Being an heiress in this family doesn’t give us magic powers nor doesn’t it require us to push our babies. Amelie came from a rough upbringing. She didn’t want her future family to have loads of kids to love them.”

I sat back in my chair and listened.

“She wanted to have us remember to love ourselves. Be kind, and to be strong in moments of hardship. The challenges in our life shaped us for the better. Now, if you had kids? Cool. If you fucked up, own up to your mistakes,” Mom paused to breathe. “Alma– Amelie only meant that and I think our family did just that. “

What was she saying?

“You are the result of generations and generations of strong, kind, and sometimes even troubled women. They’ve been through so much as you have been too. So the way I see it, it’s done. The message is driven so deep into our blood. It’s part of who we are. My love, maybe it’s time it ends with you. “

“Live your life as you see fit. Do what makes you happy. If you don’t want to have kids, that’s fine. Don’t want to get married? Cool. Want 15 dogs? I’ll support ya. Alma, we don’t need to fall into any social expectations if they don’t make us happy.”

“What about the grand romances that you all had?” I asked.

“Honey, where we stand now, our written romances always looked better on paper than in reality.”

I felt like the entire conversation went back and forth so quickly that I hadn’t had time to completely process what Mom said. Was she okay with me not having kids? Was she putting an end to the legacy? What?! Did this come from her or from someone else? Did I cause these feelings? All of these questions were firing back and forth in my head and I tried to give them a voice.

“May I ask why this came up? I mean, you came ready with the book. Was this a planned conversation? Even if I didn’t bring up not having kids?”

Mom brushed her hair behind her ear and walked back to my desk to sit down. “Not exactly, but hearing you helped solidify the thoughts I’ve had for a long time. I don’t know how much Grandma Attie told you about me growing up, but I was a bit of a badass.” At that moment I got a sly smirk from her. “I moved away from home for school, did some wild stuff that would make my own mother blush.”

I could tell she was reminiscing.

“But,” she resumed, “While I was living my life my way, I did feel that guilt in the back of my mind. I was constantly reminded, like a voice in my head, that I was an heiress and that there were certain expectations. Then you brought this up when you were going through something too painful. I had enough. I had to put my foot down. This was my responsibility as an heiress, Alma.” Mom looked like she had a huge weight taken off her shoulders. “I’m so sorry you ever felt like that. I know we weren’t alone in feeling that…”

“I didn’t know,” I admitted, “Wow…” I took a moment to look at her. Obviously as her child, I was around for a lot of these moments, but I didn’t know about all of the things she went through before having children, before meeting Dad. Our parents were always a mystery to us I suppose. When do we really find out about our family? Very rarely during their lifetime. I felt good knowing that I wasn’t alone in these feelings. I felt at ease…

Mom’s expression was one of relief, especially when she looked me in the eyes. “I’m proud of you for telling me this and also giving me a chance to have this talk, Alma. I think this was always going to be my purpose as an heiress…”

Having that talk meant a lot. I couldn’t explain how much better I felt knowing that my mother understood our decision. But being the one to bring about the end of the legacy? Phew, that was another thing. I could only do one thing that Mom asked–live my life fully and to do only thing things that would make me happy. I only wondered if Grandma Attie was in agreement with this. I knew Mom was the Wells rebel girl, but wow–I still couldn’t exactly wrap my mind around it.

We did end up going our separate ways after a few hours of talking. Catching up with Mom always made time go by so quickly without it actually feeling that long. Luckily, that meant that by the time I got home, Sabin was already there. It was always nice coming home to him, but tonight just felt even better. Every step we took with our relationship, I felt like we were really moving in the right direction. My God–finally, I felt like we were catching a break. This was my path and I was finally happy, Honestly, truly happy.

“Hey, you’re spacing out again,” Sabin laughed. “Come on, sit down, I ordered pizza. I set it down in the kitchen…”

He didn’t have to ask me twice!

Gen.10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty

“Are you shitting me?!” Dani gasped so loudly that her cat almost fell off its tree. She quickly shot Otto a look so sharp, you’d think he’d shatter into a thousand pieces.

What? Sabin and I just told Dani that we were engaged.

“You knew my best friend was being proposed to and you didn’t say SHIT?!”

He nodded and brought his glass of beer closer to his face. As if that would shield him. “I did it for my friend!” He quickly clinked the glass against Sabin’s bottle and nodded. “I’m proud of myself that I could actually keep that a secret from you! You’d probably be taking candid shots in the bushes if you knew!”

Dani opened her mouth to respond quickly but stopped herself. “Ah yeah, you’re probably right.”

While I watched Dani go back and forth with her husband, I played with the ring around my finger. We were visiting Dani and Otto to share the news with them before heading back home to tell both my parents and Sabin’s family. Well, technically this was a family BBQ to celebrate the opening of my flower shop, but I don’t think anyone would mind if we slipped in some additional good news.

It felt good to finally have something positive to share with people. It was better than getting looks of pity from them. Sabin and I were moving forward and we wanted the rest to join us. This would be the first gathering in about a year and the first gathering hosted at our home. Talk about anxiety! Luckily we had everything ordered and ready to go, so I didn’t have to worry about making all the food. Sabin took pride in grilling ever since he found out the rental home came with a grill. He was now Grill Master Sabin.

While the guys were talking about their work, I snuck away with Dani into the kitchen. Looking at her expression, she looked like she was about to explode. She wrapped her arms around me bounced excitedly. “I can’t believe it! He finally put a ring on it!” She whispered, or at least she tried to. Her high-pitched excitement did sound like a tea kettle going off.

“Yeah, I can’t honestly say that I wasn’t expecting that. I mean, we’re finally settling in St. Claire and I wanted to take a walk around the city. I figured he’d want to talk since we’ve been so busy with work and the flower shop. You know when stuff just–happens,” I sighed, “You may be next to the person, but you feel miles apart.”

Dani nodded as she walked to the other side of the counter to pour us a drink. “I wish I could say I completely understand, but..” She stopped to look at me and slowly shook her head. “It broke my heart seeing you two like this, seeing you like this. I know you have been through so much, so hearing that you’re engaged is literally the best news I’ve heard this year. I love you like a sister, Alma, and I will never stop rooting for you.”

“Thank you, Dani.”

I couldn’t stop smiling at that point. I mean, I was excited! I was engaged and I felt like my relationship with Sabin was rekindled in the best way. Now, we could take the pain we suffered and keep it as a strength that we earned from not giving up on each other.

“Obviously,” I started, bringing the cup to my lips, “I’d be honored if you’d be my matron of honor. Of course, I’d still like to ask you in an official way, once we actually start planning.”

“Well damn right, sister!” She smirked. “I’m going to throw you the craziest bachelorette party. Have you thought about when you guys are doing this thing?”

I shook my head. “We definitely need some time to save money for the wedding. Sabin is really getting settled in at his new job and my flower shop isn’t making a profit yet. It may be a year or two before we can do this properly. You know, I’d love to throw a party for our families. Make this truly a celebration. Plus, I think my grandma would be disappointed if she didn’t have a dance floor to ‘get her boogie on’ with grandpa Crescendo.”

Dani stared past me, clearly trying to visualize Grandma Attie and Grandpa Crescendo tearing it up on the dance floor. It didn’t take much because she’s certainly been to enough family parties to know that their age certainly hasn’t stopped them from being as active as possible. “Yeah, I get it. Well, when you do start planning, then let me know, okay? There’s a lot that can be so freaking annoying, so as your matron of honor, it would be my pleasure to help.”

I couldn’t refuse such a great offer.

Being there with Dani and Otto just felt like normal. We laughed, talked, and planned for our future. It almost felt like when we were back in school where our only concern was graduating and finding some ridiculous party or concert to go to. When I looked around at the room, I was happy to see how far we had come. Dani was curating gallery exhibits, which kept her traveling. Otto was working as a network engineer at a startup with a headquarters halfway across the country. The gig was remote, which is how he could travel with Dani. Sabin finally seemed happy and accomplished working as a system administrator at a company in St.Claire. And me? I was finally the owner of my own flower shop. We didn’t do half bad.

The catching up did not stop there. While we were over at Dani’s and Otto’s to share the good news, we were also there to bring them along with us to our home for the party. They were family, of course!

Back home, our family was starting to arrive. Even though our home still didn’t really have all our personal touches due to it being a rental, having family around made it feel like a home. Mom was rushing around the kitchen trying to help out. Grandma Attie was checking in with everyone while Grandpa Crescendo was already chatting it up with Sabin. Most definitely sharing his own grilling techniques–backed my science, of course!

The family I was still trying to get close to was Sabin’s side. The Wells were thick as thieves, but the Rowan family was a different ballgame to me. I felt like with them living further away it was tough to feel as close. Yet again another reason why we moved to St. Claire. Both of our families were a lot closer now. As we were going to share the news of our engagement, I hoped that it would mean we could spend more time together. All of us.

I saw that his mother and sisters arrived and were already at his side. I knew that it meant a lot to Sabin to have them here. That also meant that I had to leave my position as a fly on the wall and it was time to really mingle and get this gathering going!

“Welcome, thank you for coming,” I said to everyone I walked to the backyard. I could see Sabin’s family talking to him. They were grinning from ear to ear at the sight of him. They had every reason too. He was making the moves he needed to in life to feel fulfilled professionally. Plus, I felt he truly felt happy with where we were as a couple, too.

“Hello Mrs. Rowan and Loral, and hello Kiera– I’m so glad you could make it.”

Sabin’s mother turned around and reached to pull me into their huddle. “Mrs. Rowan makes me feel much older, Alma. Please call me Serina.”

I nodded. “Okay, Sarina–was your drive long here?”

She shook her head. “Oh, this was not a problem at all. Very quick on the highway, so only took us about half an hour. Right, girls?”

His sisters nodded.

“Especially when Lori is zooming down the highway,” Kiera nudged her sister.

There were laughs going around from each group of people. Our home finally felt full of life. After greeting everyone and after Sabin cooked up enough hotdogs, hamburgers, and veggies, I pulled him aside to check in with him. He was still beaming from ear to ear. He needed this as much as I did.

“Should we tell them now?” He asked excitedly. “Or wait till everyone is drunk?”

I smacked his chest lightly and stood beside him. I wanted to take in a little more time of seeing everyone having a good time. I imagined this was what my Mom felt like when she had all the family over. There was so much joy in seeing everyone feeling good. There was joy in being together. Pausing for a moment, I looked up at him and nodded. Before I could step out, Sabin kissed my head and walked out to the center of the yard.

“Everyone–Can I please have your attention?” He said, trying to project his voice as much as he could. “Thank you.”

He looked at me and motioned for me to take my place beside him.

“We would both like to thank you for joining us today to celebrate the opening of Hope’s Blossom, Alma’s very own flower shop here in St. Claire. It was a long time coming, but sometimes the best things in life are absolutely worth waiting for,” he winked at me. “Before I steal the thunder completely,” he laughed, “I think Alma would like to speak to you all too.”

The nerves in my stomach were gurgling. Oh god–how did Mom do this?

“Um, yes,” I started. “Thank you all for joining us today to celebrate Hope’s Blossom. It has been an eventful year and I am just so grateful to be standing here today with you all here. While my flower shop may not be the venue for today’s BBQ, I promise that you will all be sent home with my own homegrown succulents! They’re easy to take care of, and if you have any issues,” I pointed to myself, “Just bring them by and Flower Doctor Alma will be here to help!”

That certainly got a laugh and cheers from our guests. Now for the cherry on top.

I looked at Sabin who swayed against my for comfort.

Everyone around us began to quiet down, wondering if that was all I had to say.

“And there is something else,” I began.

The last time I did something like this, on a much smaller scale, I was telling people I was pregnant. This time it was different and this time it would actually happen.

“We’re getting married!” I announced, holding up my hand to show off my ring.

It wasn’t long at all before everyone thrust their glasses into the air and cheered for us. This time it felt even more special. All of these people knew of our loss and to see us taking this next step together was certainly reason to celebrate. We received congratulatory hugs and best wishes from everyone. The last two to approach us were my parents. Mom already looked like she spent the last hour crying.

“I’m so happy for you two,” She uttered before Dad brought us in for a hug.

“This is wonderful news,” he agreed. “You two deserve this happiness. Every little bit.”

Hearing those words from my parents meant a lot. Hearing that from my Mom especially meant the world. I still held the legacy in my heart so dearly, but after my discussion with Sabin about our future and the fact that it may not involve having children. I knew that I would have to have a difficult conversation with her.

For now, however, I just wanted to savor the moment of this happiness.

Gen. 10 – Alma. Chapter Twenty-Nine

It was a mutual decision to set a date aside to enjoy a night out together. After feeling the absence of intimacy, we made that a priority. So much sadness clouded us that going out together felt like a first date all over again. Perhaps that was why I felt so nervous to see him despite him only being in the next room. I mean, we lived together, shared a bed, and yet we still felt miles apart.

What if we do this and we realize maybe we don’t love each other the same way anymore? People do change, right? What if we drifted too far apart to the point we’re just together because of what happened?

“Oh Alma, cut it out,” I told myself.

Sabin and I decided on a walk around St. Claire, or at least that’s what I got from our “planning”. It was once my home and now it was our home. We didn’t really have an opportunity to explore it together yet, so what better time than this? I wasn’t sure what our overall plan was going to be, so I pulled over a simple floral dress that fell gently over my body and some sandals. If we were planning on running at least I would be strapped in.

With one final huff, I ran my fingers through my hair and walked out of our bedroom. Sabin was already waiting on the couch, scrolling through his phone when I walked in.

“Hey,” I greeted him. “Are we ready to go?”

When he got up, I smiled. He was so handsome that my stomach almost did a somersault. Oh my god, it was like when I first met him. Should I politely extend my hand to introduce myself?

Sabin held out his hand for me to take. “You didn’t even ask about what our plans are tonight. You put all that trust in me?”

“You mean you would have told me?” I asked.

“No, but you usually don’t give up that easily,” He responded.

“First date jitters! Leave me alone!” I whined playfully as we walked out together. St. Clarie’s sunsets were always my favorite. The sky lit up in beautiful reds, pinks, and sometimes even purples–without it being menacing. It was truly the place I had always hoped to return to. Sabin and I walked hand in hand in silence for a good chunk of our walk. We walked through the small town not far from our home which was full of shops. I was so proud to finally have my flower shop among so many of my favorite local vendors. I didn’t believe that it finally happened. Yes, I still pinched myself each day when I opened up my store for business.

Sabin snapped me out of my thoughts as he guided us off-course. Across the grass and into the park, he took me along the path until we stopped at the bench overlooking the fountain in the square. “I thought maybe we could just sit here for a bit.”

“Oh, sure!”

“Actually, a little further.” He guided us closer to the fountain. “You okay sitting here?” He asked, nodding towards the structure.

I nodded.

We sat at the fountain, taking on the loveliness of the park. It has been quite some time since I spent time there, but it sure did feel nice to be back. When I looked back to Sabin, I felt my cheeks warm up. Any time my eyes met his, I felt my chest tighten. It felt hard to breathe.

“Hi, I’m Alma,” I smirked, holding out my hand for him to take. “I’m a twenty-something business owner who loves gardening, quirky romantic comedies, and I’m terribly nervous to be in the presence of someone so handsome.” I shook my head as Sabin leaned down to kiss my hand. “How is it that you get older and look even more attractive than when we first met?”

He shrugged. “Perhaps the same reason why you look more beautiful than when I first saw you at school. This does feel new, doesn’t it?”

“And not new at the same time,” I added.

“Work has been keeping both of us busy,” he sighed, “So, I wanted to have some time for just the two of us. No friends, family, coworkers–just us.” He looked across at me and stared at me for a bit. “I’ve taken on some virtual appointments for therapy, which I don’t know if I actually told you about. After everything that happened…”

Please don’t tell me I triggered him, I silently begged.

“I wanted to talk through with my therapist on how I could communicate better with you. I think we can both admit that we haven’t been doing well…”

I nodded.

“I’ve been okay, by the way,” he smiled. “I’ve had my moments, but work also has an onsite counselor who specializes in veteran therapy. It’s just how things will be for me, Alma. Anything that happened with me, will never be considered your fault, okay?”

It felt good hearing him say all that, but I couldn’t help but feel shocked at how much he was actually talking. I felt like I barely heard him talk in the last year. It was refreshing, actually. I listened to him talk about his job, his favorite books that he was reading, and how his sister checked in with him weekly. She was the latest in his family to start a family. When the topic of his niece left his lips, he looked down and paused.

The topic we had both avoided like the plague. Though we rarely discussed it, it still weighed so heavy on us.

“Alma,” he started.

“I’–” I tried to interrupt him.

“Listen,” he asked me softly. “This has been the toughest year for us. There is no doubt about that, but I don’t want you to ever think that I love you any less than I did before. I respect you and I hurt for you. I hurt for us.”

I fought back tears–damn it, I thought what tears I had dried up, but it never truly felt like a healed topic.

“I don’t need children for me to love you and see you as the woman I want by my side. You’re so incredibly strong and the pain you have faced,” he stopped. “I wish you never had to face it alone, without me.”

Hearing him say that, I scooted closer to him, so I could tug on his shirt. “You still love me? Even after all that? Even if I maybe can’t actually give you a child?”

He took my hand off his shirt and held it in his. “Having children or not does not change my feelings. I,” he chuckled, “I fell in love with you because I loved who you are. I love your passion for everything you involve yourself in. Yes, I think we’ll always be sad knowing what we lost, but getting through it together will make us stronger. How could I love you any less? Alma, I love you more now than I have before. Even when you were going through this, you never stopped to take care of me. This feeling, this respect and admiration for you…this only grows…”

It was for the first time that night that I heard Sabin’s voice shake. His hands felt clammy and he had trouble holding my gaze. He exhaled and pushed himself off the ledge of the fountain and down onto his knee.

“This wasn’t the plan,” he laughed nervously, but he placed his hands on my knees and waited for my eyes to stop growing so big in surprise. “Well, at least not this minute, but this was my intention tonight.”

What the fuck. What the hell. Oh my god. What?!

“Alma Wells, I love you completely–“

“N-no!” I quickly shot up to my feet and helped pick Sabin up. “Honey, I love you. I really do, but let’s slow down one second.” The words I was holding inside were also meant for another moment that evening, but if Sabin was rushing through his plans, then so was I. That jolt of adrenaline pushed me forward, still keeping my hand loosely in his.

“Slow down? He asked. He sounded so disappointed.

“I want to marry you, Sabin, I really do, but before we commit, even to an engagement, we need to talk about this seriously.”

“I am serious.”

I let go of his hand and stepped back. “But is this love enough for you, Sabin? I don’t think I can survive another loss like we had. I will never unsee our child–lifeless after being forced out of me. I cannot do that again. But can you live with me, knowing we will never have that kind of family? I need you to wake up for a second here,” I begged. As much as I wanted our evening to still be full of romance and affection, I needed to burst that bubble. I felt the love in the air when he got down on one knee, and I fought hard not to give in to it.

Sabin paused for a minute and watched me. I could feel his eyes staring at me while he reached into his pocket. I feared that years from now he’d look at my family and his family and see what he could be missing. We both came from large families, so it only felt natural for us to want the same thing. That was our goal, I assumed. Even though my pregnancy wasn’t planned, we were so happy and hopeful. We talked about getting married, but once everything happened, we stopped talking about all that. Frankly, I still didn’t quite understand what he was doing. He wasn’t drunk. Was the park sprayed with some pheromones or something that made him act out like this?

After a moment, Sabin took his hand out of his pocket and got back down on his knee.

“Did you actually listen?” I frowned. “I don’t want to live like this, knowing you’d be missing out on family.”

He reached out for my hand. “I absolutely listened and I thought long and hard about this. I love you, Alma. I love your kind and strong heart. You are family enough for me, and you always will be. I’m an old man now,” he smirked. “I’ve seen some shit, but you still keep me grounded. You never stop trying to understand what I went through. I don’t want to think about a world where you don’t exist.”

Okay, he wasn’t kidding. This was happening. Right there in that park. I felt my knees buckling.

“We’ve shared a handful of years already, Alma. Will you join me for the rest and marry me?”

My heart was pounding so loudly against my chest. My tears were hot against my goosebump-covered skin. I could hear the words leaving his lips and they surrounded me. I opened my mouth to speak, but I only whimpered. Fucking hell, Alma! Just say it! Tell him you love him. Tell him you’d be lost without him. Tell him you don’t ever want to spend another moment without him!

“Y-yes,” I finally uttered. “Y-yes,” I said again, only louder. “Oh my god, Sabin, yes, let’s do it.” I cried. “Let’s get married!”

Sabin laughed at my enthusiasm before slipping on a delicate ring onto my finger. It was gold with a small emerald stone. I couldn’t believe it. Of course, we weren’t about to rush to the nearest chapel or courthouse, we wanted to do it right, but this was a step I never thought we’d actually take. Through all the hurt, I felt respected, seen, and truly so loved. I held compassion for those whose love dimmed and faded after a loss. It was one of the most difficult emotions to navigate. I feared the same for us, but somehow our strength pulled us forward. Somehow…

I was grateful.

“So,” I smirked, “When were you planning on actually doing this tonight?”

“Well,” he rubbed the back of his head and pointed to the park bench further along in the park. “I had an entire picnic and everything planned. We were going to pick up food to eat in the park…”

I snuck under his arm and motioned for us to head on over. “Well, we can always get some food at home seeing as we’ve been here a while now…”

—

When we returned home, I still felt my heart pounding hard against my throat. The excitement of the evening came in like a second wave. I didn’t even need to speak when I turned around to Sabin after we had taken our shoes off. He stopped for a second, his mouth ajar before rushing to kiss me. The way he kissed me there held want and hunger, but I couldn’t blame the fact that we didn’t eat the planned “picnic”. Each breath between kisses was hot, heavy, and had us pawing at each other, clinging harder until Sabin pinned me against the wall with my arms draped around his shoulders. He kept one hand on my jaw and the other firmly around my waist.

We hadn’t been with each other like this in quite some time. We did have sex after the miscarriage, but it wasn’t until many months later. Then we just got busy and distracted–distant. This felt like we wanted to make up for missed touches.

Sabin’s right hand wandered from my waist. He used two fingers to pull my dress up at the side, so he could touch my warm thigh. I felt my hot breath against his cheek when he moved to kiss my neck. He pushed me harder against the wall and frankly, I was glad we decided against hanging any paintings above me, otherwise someone would have gotten a concussion.

“Bedroom,” I demanded, pulling away from Sabin and yanking him down the hall. By the time we made it, he was already out of half his clothes.

We certainly reconnected that night. A couple of times, actually. It felt good to feel his skin against mine again. I longed for every kiss and stroke, just as he did. We put everything else aside when we closed our bedroom door. We listened to each other and allowed ourselves to finally feel the missing intimacy of the past year. We loved without walking on eggshells.

Once we took a break, Sabin got up to grab us some food and water, which we absolutely earned after a very rigorous workout.

“Holy fuck,” I laughed as he walked in with some water and a few slices of pizza. “I don’t think we’ve ever done that….like that.”

Sabin sat down beside me and nodded. “I’m not done with you yet,” he admitted as he sipped his water. “I missed this.”

“Sex?” I asked.

“Being with you, specifically,” He grabbed my arm and pulled me closer. “I missed touching you and making you feel good. You deserve to feel good, and I promise I will do that always.” He chuckled. “Well, in and out of the bedroom, if that makes sense.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Post-sex Sabin was always so cute–sleepy, but cute. “Oh, you’ll please me all around the house? We’ll just invest in more Lysol wipes.”

But I did understand him. We both held the weight of pain on our shoulders, and it was our pain to carry only now we had a step closer to healing. Our love wasn’t dimmed, but given the fuel to shine brighter knowing we would stay by each other’s side. I was grateful. Tonight felt like old times and I needed that reminder that that part of us was still there. It was still hurting, but it was healing and it was something that was going to be done together.

“So, who should we tell first about our engagement,” I asked. “Our parents? Dani?”

Sabin smirked. “Your Dad already knew, so my phones have been blowing up. I didn’t tell Otto that it was happening today, because Dani would find out.”

“Alright,” I agreed, “Dani it is.”