Gen. 10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty-Four

December 13, 2023 by Grey 2 Comments

TW: Loss.

Three Years Later.

“Thank you again, Alma. I’m sure Dani is going to love this.”

I nodded politely and handed the wrapped floral arrangement to Otto who never missed a week of picking up a bouquet of flowers for his wife. Yes, wife. Dani and Otto ended up getting married in December, three years ago now…

Before Otto stepped out, he looked down at the wrapping and back at me. “Dani appreciates the package–the clothes. She just didn’t want to upset you. I know it’s–“

My expression barely changed from its neutral politeness, even if to utter a response that made me feel like my heart should shatter. It’s been a while now…the same lump in my throat that I used to have felt easier to get down. “I’m just glad someone gets to use them. Lenore looks really cute in that sunflower dress. You know…Dani can always send me pictures. It’s…I don’t want her to feel that she can’t share her joy with me.”

I never imagined that life’s most stereotypically joyous moments would have put such a strain on my friendship with my best friend. But here we were…years later. Gia is off making headlines for her studies. Dani is married to Otto with one kid and another on the way and I am…sigh.

I glanced at my hand once Otto was a safe distance away from my shop to see a thin layer of dirt covering my left hand.

I really thought things would be different. I didn’t realize that through thick and thin meant..empty promises.

---

“Hey, I’m home,” I spoke into the dark room. These last few months I never knew if I would be coming home to warmth or whatever void I just stepped into. “Welcome home to you too, Alma…” I mumbled.

The house was empty as it was most days. The warmth of laughter continued to fade more into memory with each passing day. The idea of getting back to those moments was starting to feel like an impossible feat.

“You’re home,” I suddenly heard from the other room. It was Sabin. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Honestly, let’s not beat around the bush. He looked like shit. “Sorry, I didn’t get a chance to clean up.”

He was right. The kitchen counter was littered with empty cans of beer, takeout, and his carry-on luggage sprawled out in the hallway. “When did you get back?” I asked.

“Before you left. I just…”

I nodded and set my purse down. The man before me felt like a stranger. We both had our issues, our demons, but this…how did it come to this? If I had to put tracking markers on our relationship, to point out where it began to crumble, it would have been three years ago. We were on a path to get married. July 23rd. That was the plan. Now we felt like roommates who said hello and goodbye out of pure courtesy. I suppose that didn’t die yet.

Of course, when you have plans, there are always bumps that just happen to materialize to help you slow down. No, my choice of words was no accident. Weeks after I bought my wedding dress and started working with my best friends and Sabin to plan our wedding, I found out I was pregnant again. A complete surprise, but that’s life for you. You think you’re being careful and after a few nights of mind-blowing sex fueled by just such pure…love, you end up with a happy little accident. Despite talking about a life without children a while back, this happy accident seemed like a sign that was written in our love story as something that needed to happen.

Sure it had us pause a bit, but this little bump was adored and celebrated until there was nothing left to coo over. After our first loss years ago, we thought it was a sign that our life was just meant to be a bit out of order. Perhaps one with more hurdles so we could truly love and appreciate what I hoped would bloom inside me.

I hated remembering. But “Remembering helps with the path to healing” or so I’ve been told after months of therapy.

I was just beginning to show when we learned that the energetic heartbeat we heard just a few weeks prior fell silent and slithered out of me in a stream of crimson. I was home alone when it happened. The third time I was placed on self-ordered bed rest. I took time off work, and I had Sabin around to help me just so we could make it past that…safe zone. Apparently, I was exempt…

And then the fourth time it happened…I felt our reality crack.

Honestly, our baby…all of them were so wanted. Each time we put our wedding planning on pause and well…each loss was handled differently. I mourned by reaching for a hint of that happiness I felt for those few weeks. Sabin mourned by…sinking deeper into his darkness till the crack between us grew larger and larger.

We were still together…technically. But a wedding? That wasn’t even a topic anymore. Why would it be?

My hand gently grazed my abdomen where I could still feel the phantom flutters of a once-occupied womb. Rather than continue dwelling, I put my hair up into a messy bun and walked into the kitchen to look at what was left in the fridge.

“Alma, I…” Sabin reached for my wrist. “Can we just talk?”

I let the fridge door shut on its own so I could turn around and face him.

“I shouldn’t have left,” he started while I made my way to the couch. “I…I didn’t want to hurt you or…me…”

“I get it,” I stated plainly. “You’re hurting. I’m hurting, but you just don’t–” I felt the lump in my throat dissolve completely. With the space created, I was left with…anger and hurt. “You don’t leave in the middle of the night and just leave a fucking note! Which,” I stammered, “was FUCKING vague! I was worried something happened to you. That you might have–“

I knew my words were sharp, but he let me continue.

“Sabin, how did we get here? How did we go from longing to be in each other’s presence to avoiding coming inside the house just because we knew the other was inside. Sabin, I wanted to marry you. I wanted so much to have your children the moment I felt I could again, but now,” I winced, “No wedding, no babies because woohoo,” I pointed at my mid-section aggressively, “I have a fucking broken womb!”

I wanted so much more. Word spilled from my mouth sloppily till I could taste the salt of my tears. Sabin didn’t fight back. He stayed quiet and pulled me into an embrace I didn’t defend against. I missed that warmth. I missed him so much. I missed what we could have had.

Could we actually get even an inkling of that back?

---

Alma’s sadness dampened my shirt, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. What could I tell her? I snapped and did the only thing I knew well and that was…run. Alma took it upon herself to go to doctor’s appointments while I buried myself in work. I started taking more assignments, but dealing in Veteran affairs…my own included, it left me feeling withdrawn.

But staying withdrawn allowed me to…sink. First, it was at home, and then I needed to sink deeper, taking assignments further away from home.

We had been together for years and yet I knew what I was doing. I was running and in doing so I probably broke what little trust I had from her. Work meant nothing to me if I knew that the woman I loved was hurting. I figured maybe if I left, she’d just leave and realize that I really wasn’t the one for her.

I couldn’t bring myself to leave because I didn’t want to imagine a life without her, yet…we were basically there.

Alma never asked for help. She hid most of her losses from me when she could. I wanted us to stop trying, but she assured me she wanted a family with me. I hated seeing her look like she was the one who was broken. We considered fertility treatments at one point, but after the third loss, we wanted to give it one more try before hanging up our family-planning efforts.

We thought that would make things…stick. But the last time, I couldn’t unsee the image of her weeping. Not crying, but…weeping.

I tightened my grip around her small frame to nudge the image away from my head.

“I have no words that could excuse my leaving. I thought,” I exhaled softly against her hair, “I thought my leaving would make it easier. I feel like I’m dragging you down and without me…”

“Without you, I felt like I lost everything,” She uttered.

Before I could get another word in, she pulled away and gave me a swift shove. I admit I deserved it. “I thought we loved each other, Sabin. We were planning our life together and then…shit happened but I stayed. I needed to grieve, but I,” she sobbed, “I stayed.”

My heart ached for her and for us. She was right. I didn’t know if I could ever help bring us back to what we had. I had to try. I ran enough.

“I know this won’t make a difference, but…I’m so incredibly sorry, Alma. I know I messed up, and…”

Alma gripped my wrists tugging on the sleeve of my hoodie. “We messed up,” she spoke as if correcting me. I thought to counter her again but froze when the weight suddenly shifted on the couch. Alma was back on her feet and directing me to follow.

“Let’s just…please let’s just go to bed. I really don’t want to fight tonight.”

“But Alma, we have to talk.”

“We can fight tomorrow.”

I never thought I’d feel a twinge of excitement about fighting with my partner, but a tomorrow…meant that we weren’t giving up.