Gen. 10 – Alma. Chapter Thirty-Six

December 16, 2023 by Grey 6 Comments

Relationships are…hard.

Sabin and I weren’t even married and I felt like the blows we were dealt were ones folks wouldn’t have to deal with until actually tying the knot. Perhaps these were here to warn us, to throw out the question: “Are you SURE this is the path you want to be going down?” Or…maybe…”If you two can survive this, then you can get through anything.”

I’ve been trying to focus on the more optimistic side, but it’s only human to have some…doubt, right?

Dr. Riley asked us to give each other some grace during this hump. We were essentially working on scraping away a thick layer of hurt that was keeping us from getting close again.

Each day started to get a bit easier, and then it turned into a week, and then two, and before we knew it we were at three months of just trying to get back to what we felt was lost. Every time we dug deeper and communicated, we took a few steps forward, but don’t get me wrong…when those few steps were taken, we too had to take a few steps back.

Healing is a tricky bitch.

Sabin and I tried to sleep in the same bed most nights, but some days I just needed a bit of distance.

With everything happening within our little circle, I neglected so much of what was happening beyond us. I was on auto-pilot at work. I lost track of my emails, phone calls, and texts. I had visibly distanced myself and I knew I had to try…

Again, Dr. Riley’s words…

“Otto called me again,” I said as I folded our laundry. Sabin was seated at his desk, but despite all the spreadsheets he had pulled up on his screen, he turned to me. “He messages me every week. It’s like a standing appointment. I…I really miss feeling normal.”

Sabin turned off the screen on his computer and listened.

“I want to focus on what we have going on, but I can’t handle being in a vacuum anymore, Sabin. I’ve tried so many times to write to Dani, to Gia, and I end up just turning my phone off. I think if I have any chance of getting my friends back, I need to see them in person.”

“Then let’s go,” Sabin suggested. “They’re hosting a game night, I think. If you really want to go, I could reach out to Otto to let him know we can come…you up for it tonight?”

Despite the tightness in my chest, I agreed.

---

Can you really get back to what you had when everyone else has moved on?

Some days I felt like I was watching my life from a bird’s eye view. Even while around others, I felt out of place. Perhaps it was just my anxiety after not being part of the scene for such a long time. It had been months since I was in the same room with them. But it had been years since I last felt truly…present.

I watched my friends laugh and hug, and talk about their week while I sat on the couch with a glass of water. I felt like an audience member watching a sitcom. Was I going to see a cue card to laugh or clap? I just didn’t know how to join back the rhythm…

While my mind raced and attempted to find my “in”, I noticed Dani approach me with a toddler in her arms. She smiled, but I could see she was stepping towards me like I was a ticking time bomb. Slow, quiet…

“Hey,” she said quietly, sitting beside me. “I’m really glad you came.”

I nodded. “Me too. Sorry, I’ve been ghosting you all.”

“You’re here now,” Dani assured me. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“Well, at least a little,” I chuckled, “I basically dropped off the face of the Earth. I stopped responding, I…” Before I could finish my sentence, I watched Dani’s daughter, Lenore, reach for my arm. I didn’t gasp or wince. I just watched her little hand reach for me. I must have been such a stranger to her now.

For once I felt a smile slowly spread across my lips. She was very much Dani’s daughter. It felt good not to pull away and I could tell Dani noticed.

“Would you like to hold her?” She asked quietly.

“Please…”

When Lenore was handed to me, I trembled. I missed out on so much. My own sadness shrouded so much happiness that was always around me. I could tell that Dani didn’t want to share her joy with me sometimes not because she didn’t love me, but because she loved me so much that she didn’t want to hurt me.

As much as I wanted what she had at one point, I could never resent her for simply living her life. I loved her and Otto, and I wanted nothing but health and joy for them, for their entire family. How could I ever be upset at such a beautiful, small, precious face?

“She’s gotten big,” I commented. “You think she’ll be as tall as Otto?” Had to sneak that in.

“Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe that’ll take care of some scholarships when she’s older,” Dani laughed.

Crack.

The sound of our collective laughter felt like a crack in the awkwardness that I knew we both felt. We were still very much alike, so in sync. Relationships were hard, but the ones worth fighting for would always have folks on both sides who were patient, kind, and always there when needed.

While Lenore played with my hair and I enjoyed every moment of having her little body against my chest, I turned my head to Dani and sighed, content. “I really missed you, Dani. I’m really trying to be more present, but…”

“I know,” Dani smiled. “Alma, you’ve…let’s be serious, you’ve had shit handed to you on a silver platter for the last few years. The fact that you’re still standing here is amazing…the fact that” she shot dagger eyes at Sabin, “he is here, is even more amazing. Which by the way…what??”

I suppose we really had a lot to catch on. I didn’t disclose much to my friends after Sabin left, but I could assume that word traveled rather quickly. Mom might have mentioned something, Dad was probably heated, and Dani’s parents were still on great terms with mine, so…not surprised.

Everything would be explained in due time, but until I had to unpack more of my experience the last few months, I wanted to enjoy the moment of sitting on the couch with little Lenore in my arms, my best friend at my side, and our partners catching up over a few non-alcoholic brews.

---

Dani and I had excused ourselves to another room after putting Lenore in her crib. Otto and Sabin were sucked into a conversation around work or cars…or…something, something normal at least. Good, he needed this, too.

“So,” Dani started with her hands on her hips, “I thought Sabin unsubscribed from the relationship after leaving you alone for what…two months?”

“Three,” I corrected quickly, but swatted the thought away. “I was pissed, yes, but we’ve been in therapy.”

“And the therapist didn’t tell you to dump his ass?”

“Dani,” I urged her to settle down. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but Sabin isn’t the bad guy here. We’re both…hurt by our circumstances and each other. No one is free of blame here, we’re just trying to navigate this,” I shrugged, “healing together.”

I watched my friend’s brows wiggle, trying to figure out the correct emotional response. “So what you’re saying is that I shouldn’t call anyone to key his car…or break his kneecaps”

“Fucking hell, pregnancy makes you a savage Mama,” I smirked before agreeing that a more peaceful approach would be suitable. “We’re not exactly great, but we’re working through it. Talking more and more each day…”

The way she looked at me, I knew that question was practically hanging off her tongue, but I just let it marinate between us. It was a question that I honestly thought about every day, but was too afraid to say out loud, let alone bring up to Sabin.

It felt like it would be the type of question that would crack our already thin foundation. It could go in a few ways–I ask it and we get pulled into a discussion that makes us realize we can’t fix things, or…we chase the feeling we had before and rush into something that we aren’t quite ready for.

“Look,” Dani pulled me back from my head. “Whatever you two do is between you and him–we’re just here to support whatever decision may be made. But just know our door is always open. It may vaguely smell like vomit from the baby, but I swear it’s not always like that!”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Thanks, Dani. I appreciate it.”

“Anytime, sister. Hope you didn’t think a little distance could sour our eternal love.”

“Of course not…”

Dani and I made our way back to the main room where Otto and Sabin were talking excitedly. Seeing his face light up was like a glimpse of how things were–gosh, even back in college. When things were still so surface-level, so excited to live and experience everything. I longed to stretch that moment out for as long as I could before we overstayed our welcome at our friend’s home.

Otto turned to us as we walked in and clasped his hands together. “You know all this catching up is great, but how about we actually get to playing a game tonight?”

Sabin and I didn’t even glance at each other before we both agreed that we’d stay for an actual game night. I suppose we both needed this extension of bliss. Maybe this was part of getting better. Surrounding ourselves with the comfort of friends as a reward for talking about everything else that made us uncomfortable. I suppose it also forced me out of my head a bit.

“Your move, Alma,” Otto said and handed a set of dice over to me.

Giving my palm a quick blow for good luck, I released the dice onto the board game. After my successful roll was made, I moved my game piece and celebrated getting ahead of Dani. This continued for a few more rounds till we finished one game and moved on to the next.

“So you two set a new date for the wed–” Before he could finish, Dani gripped Otto’s shoulder and squeaked, or…screamed? I honestly couldn’t tell what the intention was as her lips were so tightly sealed that only a tiny “yip” was heard.

“Oh shit…,” Otto suddenly glanced between me, Sabin, Dani, and back to me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine,” I admitted. The dreaded question I pushed back on answering internally was pulled to the surface unintentionally, but…it was a big question mark over everyone’s heads. What were we going to do now? We were still together, right? Or…were we dating? Casually living together?

“As soon as we know, we’ll be sure to update you all.” Sabin chimed in, saving me from trying to make something up.

I offered him a small smile, a quiet thanks for helping the evening remain light.

The rest of the evening was still a good time, but it was a given that there was an air of discomfort. We continued to play it off for the rest of the evening until Otto apologized once again. He thought that everything was back to normal and that he really didn’t mean to intrude. I took no offense as I would have assumed the same had the situation been reversed.

I loved our friends and thanked them again for a much-needed evening. When it was time to go, Sabin and I got back in our car and drove home. The silence was…loud.

---

When Otto asked us about our wedding, I could feel the discomfort all the way from the other side of the couch. I had to say something to keep Alma from having to speak for us. I felt she did that a lot recently. Whatever was happening between was still…in progress, or maybe under construction was the more correct description.

After that moment, everything else seemed fine, but I’ve been with Alma long enough to know her dialogue inside was anything but quiet. I wondered if, in the silence that we shared on the drive home, she was also planning on what to say when we got back.

I realized that for the last few months, we spent time outside of our home and always came back to have more difficult conversations. Honestly, I think I was starting to hate the fucking couch. I didn’t really want to see her cry again tonight–that’s usually how our talks would end. And I knew she was dreading it.

Our driveway was in sight, but I bit down on my lip and pulled the car over before turning around.

That stirred her.

“Um, did you forget something at Otto’s?”

“No.”

“But the house…” she said, pressing her finger against the car window.

“If we go back now, we’ll be talking till 2 am about how this isn’t going to work. And we’ll be analyzing if this relationship is worth staying in because we just have too much shit going on that we need to work on individually.”

“Sabin…”

“Alma, I’ve lost out on a lot by leaving, I know that. You don’t bring it up anymore, but I feel it. I am not done fighting for this–for us.”

There was no protest. Alma sat back in her seat and nodded. Still looking ahead, I managed to catch a quick glance at her smile. Hell, I think I even saw some teeth.

“Lead the way,” she urged me.